-*- 2 years -*-

... 6-24-2011 ... that date marked 2 years since mom passed away ...

I have been dealing with a lots of ups and downs lately.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  Ironically how one feels guilty for not blogging.  Weird.

Dad is back with me.  He moved back in January of this year.  It has not been easy.  My garage looks like something from the tv show "Hoarders" ... not a pretty sight.  He has been dealing with bouts of depression, understandably so.  And thankfully, he listened to my advice and went to see a counselor.

My son is doing good - thanks for asking ;-)  He started orthodontic treatment in the month of May and now has upper and lower expander.  I have him in summer camp at the same day care where he used to go when he was a baby.  It is also a big help that it is right across the street from my office.

We have some changes at work and well, when you work for the government, is good that you don't get too attached to sides 'cause you never know who you will be working with in a year or two.  I am a believer that change always brings something good.  So I am looking forward to the changes that are coming.

Like I wrote at the beginning, on Friday June 24th, it was 2 years since mom passed away.  I can say that a day does not go by in which I don't think about her.  Not a day.  I took that day off and went to the beach with my dad and the boys.  My dad went to buy flowers to throw them at sea and well, they were wrongly marked and well, the flowers ended up being free.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And well, the beach is one of my mom's favorite places to be.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The waves were a bit rough but the kids had a ball.

The next day we went to Mass and it would have been one that she would have truly enjoyed, with lively music and all of us there together.  I could just see her dressed up, with all her jewelry and clapping as she sang away.

I will never understand why she was taken away from us while she still had so much to live.  I know that she was in a lot of pain.  And she didn't deserve it.  No one does.

I would like to think that she watches over us and she is in a better place, with those that left before us, without pain, without suffering.

19 months

19 months today mom ... 19 months since you died ... 19 months that make the 21 years we have been living in Florida seem like an instant ... I had no idea 19 months could feel longer than 21 years ... but they do ... and something tells me that next month is not going to feel any easier to deal with ...

I woke up stressed out ... rushing out the door ... like every other day ... that's not new ... and for a minute I forgot that today was a 24th ... I remembered when pops was asking for a candle to light next to your picture ... and my heart sank ... but I couldn't stay home much longer since I was already late for work.  Nothing new either, I am always running late.

But once I got to work and I was inside my office, it hit me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and the tears just started pouring down.  I contained myself after a while but I guess that is the curse of having a face that reflects your soul ... people knew I was not ok ... and the kind souls that they are, they understood and gave me my space.  I guess my office is my little safe haven, if these walls could talk ...

I miss you mom.  A lot.  Maybe if I dreamt of you once in a while it wouldn't hurt so much?  I don't know.  But I don't remember any dreams.  They say that you do dream every night, you just don't remember.  Well, it's been a while since I remembered any dreams.  I asked Gian once if he dreamt about you and he said yes ... you were outside and by what he describes is like a valley and you see each other and run towards each other and hug each other really really really tight.  Next time, can you all invite me to that dream?  I would like to see you and hug you too.