19 months

19 months today mom ... 19 months since you died ... 19 months that make the 21 years we have been living in Florida seem like an instant ... I had no idea 19 months could feel longer than 21 years ... but they do ... and something tells me that next month is not going to feel any easier to deal with ...

I woke up stressed out ... rushing out the door ... like every other day ... that's not new ... and for a minute I forgot that today was a 24th ... I remembered when pops was asking for a candle to light next to your picture ... and my heart sank ... but I couldn't stay home much longer since I was already late for work.  Nothing new either, I am always running late.

But once I got to work and I was inside my office, it hit me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and the tears just started pouring down.  I contained myself after a while but I guess that is the curse of having a face that reflects your soul ... people knew I was not ok ... and the kind souls that they are, they understood and gave me my space.  I guess my office is my little safe haven, if these walls could talk ...

I miss you mom.  A lot.  Maybe if I dreamt of you once in a while it wouldn't hurt so much?  I don't know.  But I don't remember any dreams.  They say that you do dream every night, you just don't remember.  Well, it's been a while since I remembered any dreams.  I asked Gian once if he dreamt about you and he said yes ... you were outside and by what he describes is like a valley and you see each other and run towards each other and hug each other really really really tight.  Next time, can you all invite me to that dream?  I would like to see you and hug you too.

... fragmented ...

This is how I have been feeling lately ... fragmented ... I plan on putting the pieces together ... one by one ...

Four Boxes

This last weekend I got rid of four boxes.  Four boxes that were full of stuff ... mailings, coupons, magazines, bills ... you get the picture.

I guess is time to admit that I am a bit of a procrastinator.  

It's a side of me that I am not proud of.  But one that needs to be dealt with.

So tackling those four boxes is a pretty big thing for me.

I took what needed to be shredded to work.   It ended being in three bags.

And now I only have one box with my current stuff and all the magazines are in the magazine rack and the coupons are clipped and ready to be used.

It may mean not much to others, but it is a pretty big deal to me.

I am proud of myself, go me!

Negativity

I am trying to stay away from negativity.

Trying being the key word as I am my own worst enemy.

Most if not all of the negativity comes from the inside ...

... negative self-talk ...

... negative self-image ...

... dwelling on the past ... on the what if's ...



So yeah ... am trying to stay away ...


I want to re-train myself ... is not an option ...


I have to treat myself better.




Is it me ... or do others out there in cyberspace are like me?


Would they admit it?

♪ My 40th ♪

Thursday, May 13th I turned 40 years old.

Ouch.

Growing up I thought 40 was OLD. Now I am the one turning 40. Ouch. ...

Anyway ... I decided to treat myself like a princess on that day and I had my tiara and all here at work.

They looked at me funny.

Some said I was 'special' ... haters. LOL

I really had a great day at work and then I went home.

And at home I expected my sis and my dad to show up with a Pepperidge Farm cake to sing me happy birthday.

It didn't happen.

No one called.

No one came over.

Once G got home, it was just the two of us.

That was it.

And I felt alone.

Very alone.

It was the first time that I spent my birthday like that. Ever. And I thought to myself that, well, I need to get used to this. Is just the way it is.

But something told me that something else was going on. I suspected a surprise party was planned for me.

I asked my sis ... she made it sound like nothing was going on. I confided in a few friends, no one knew nothing.

Rightttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Saturday afternoon my dad took me to Olive Garden - he did say he told a few friends and I recognized my sister's car and a friend's car but that was it.

It was the same restaurant that they did a surprise party for me when I turned 30. Even in the same area of the restaurant when they did that previous one! And then out of the corner of my eye I see my sister and when I go in ... yes, it was a surprise!

One of my best friends from high school was there - he came all the way from Miami! My best friend from work - who happens to be my boss - was there too! A few others that live here and have been part of my life and then later my best friend since childhood came in and then 2 other friends from high school that live in FL but not in Orlando - at least an hour and a half drive - I was so touched! So happy! And my dad standing in the back just smiling.

My sis decorated it all with balloons and 'over the hill' and '40' theme ... dang, I felt like I was 15 with all the attention! The food was delish and wow, 3 hours went by in a blink ... so we continued the party at my house! They didn't leave 'til almost 11pm - to then drive home.

To say the least, I had a great time!

I really, truly did ... I am thankful for each and every person that was there and that remembered me on my birthday.

My dad and my sis took care of everything.

And in the party, they basically just stood aside and let me enjoy my time with my friends.

If that is not love, I don't know what is.

So even though I was bummed out on the 13th, the surprise party more than made up for it.

Forties ... get ready, here I come! ♪♪♪

The Language of Letting Go

In the 2nd night of the parenting class the instructor suggested a book called "The Language of Letting Go" to another participant. It is basically meditations and is geared towards persons that are co-dependent and yeah... I think I am one of those ... or at least I have issues of co-dependency. Whatever rocks my boat, right? Anywhoooooo.... the instructor told this person to always read the current day PLUS what is written for August 17th ... and me, being that I love reading just had to get the book and well, I started reading it (and doing as I was told.)

Ironically when I commented to a friend about it she mentioned that she had it and in its time, it was of great help to her. And well, in my mind I started connecting the dots ... Paulo Coelho (one of my favorites authors) wrote in "The Alchemist" that (and don't quote me on this) when something is for you, the Universe conspires to bring it to you. I took the fact that my friend read this book as something I needed to do to ... more so when its message just sinks in the depths of my soul when I read it ... is like, the message is so important, so profound, that I have to read it more than once so it can sink in properly.

In tonight's class, she asked the participant to read the August 17th entry ... and I just don't know why but it opened the flood gates for me and through out the class, I just couldn't seem to close them back. It is just something about when something so deep is read out loud, that just touched a nerve in me. And I was seating at the front and I am sure the instructor could see me but I just kept my head down and I listened and I took notes. Notes that I promise I will be sharing here as it will be a way to remind myself and share it with others. The last thing she said, just struck such a deep chord in me that once I filled out my post-test, I got up and left, again 'cause I was crying and I didn't want her or anyone there to see me like that. She said that we are the product of our mothers ... I am my mother ... I am my mother?! ... I guess is true ... I am my mother.

In time I will decide if I really write about my mother in here or not. I do know and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. And I have nothing but love and respect for her. I understood how big her love for me and my sis was when I became a mother. So don't think that I am in any way, shape or form putting down my mother. Is just that ... I never saw or thought of myself being my mother. Period.

He's looking at you!

Ok ... I am going to go off the line of the parenting class here a bit ... just bear with me.

This weekend I went out with a friend of mine and her kid - our kids get along G.R.E.A.T. so it is actually a relief to be out with my kid but not feeling like I am 1000% in charge of making sure he has a good time ... am sure some mothers out there will agree.

Anyway, we first went to eat at The Ale House close to where we live ... and we ordered our food and drinks ... and we are joking, having a good time and all of a sudden my friend goes ... "you know, he's looking at you" ... and I am like, uh?! So I looked around and she is like "OMG, I can't believe you haven't noticed that he's flirting with you!" and I am like so totally oblivious to the whole thing, I am still saying ... "uh?!" ... So she goes and tells me to check out our waiter, every time he comes to our table, he talks to her and answers her questions but he is looking at me. And I noticed, but I didn't get it, I didn't think it was a big deal that he would look at me while talking to her ... I mean ... I just didn't get it.

Those that truly know me, know that I am not the forward type. I don't read between the lines. If you tell me ABC, I will understand ABC, not XYZ. I am pretty quiet, reserved, shy, you name it ... until I know you, then I feel safe enough to be myself. So I don't really flirt and I will rather be out with one friend doing stuff than being in a party meeting people. So when she tells me to flirt back I am like "no way!" ... but from then on I was more aware of him ... and I just ... could not believe that he was looking at me.

Some women are used to having that attention on them, they expect it, they invite it, they provoke it. I don't. So when it happens, I tend to dismiss it... and I think I need to stop doing that. It made me feel good to notice that attention. It made the woman in me, feel alive. And I liked that.

Families First!

About two weeks ago I got a flyer from my son's school that read "Families First!" ... "Raising Responsible Children" ... wow, I mean, who DOESN'T want to raise their kids to be responsible?! So I called and signed up. Is a series of three meetings and a few nights ago was the first one.

W.O.W. ... not because I learned anything NEW but because I saw how everything that I have been reading lately in an effort to better myself, take care of myself, etc is all CONNECTED ... it was a very big "AHA!" moment for me.

One of the first things that was discussed was listening skills. Everyone hears, but not everyone listens. The instructor stated how important it is to have eye contact, to focus on what is being said and how we need to let the other person say ALL they are saying without being interrupted. How many times, while you are talking to someone, they are not even halfway done and you already have an answer on the tip of your tongue? I do it all the time! LOL So yeah, that is one of those things that I have to work on.

Then we moved on to acceptance. "Acceptance is the key to life" <<--- this phrase, according to the instructor, is what the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is based on. Life happens and you have to deal with what it throws your way. Period. You don't have to like it, you don't have to be in aggreement with it but in order for you to deal with it, you have to accept it. If what comes your way is something you don't like, is ok, but it doesn't give you the right to mistreat those around you or be mean to them. Comes to mind a phrase that my ex taught me well ... it is what it is.

We then moved to what the instructor called the "Laws of the Universe." And they are as follows:

1. Children learn what they are given to learn.

2. You are the role model at ALL times.

3. Children learn from you to view life as something positive or something negative.

4. You must be NOW what you want your child to become.

The line that struck me the most was that "you need to be NOW the person you want your child to become." Not later, not in a few years ... NOW! Soooo... that means I have some work to do .... on myself. Pronto.

I think this is enough information for one entry - on my next blog I will discuss the five assignments that were given to us and how I am doing with them. Feel free to comment below, thanks!

here I go again...

here I go again trying to be consistent with this blog thing ... my life has been/is going through so many changes since my mom passed away ... sometimes I feel like I still haven't dealt with her death ... guess I haven't...

not even 2 wks after mom passed, my dad moved in with me ... it really wasn't a big decision to make as we get along well and I just could not imagine leaving him in that apartment by himself ... so that is still a change I am dealing with ... he gets upset 'cause am glued to the computer ... I say "hey, do I complain about what you do?" and then things calm down for a bit ...

change change change ... that seems to be the word that stays on my head lately ... so many changes, so little time to adjust 'cause life just goes on whether you have adjusted or not ... sometimes I feel mami is still in PR & I grab my phone to call her and then I remember ...

some changes I have implemented in my life so far are more health oriented ... I cut down on my soda intake, I started walking and I started going to the gym ... like my favorite song says ... "sometimes goodbye is a second chance"...