-*- 2 years -*-

... 6-24-2011 ... that date marked 2 years since mom passed away ...

I have been dealing with a lots of ups and downs lately.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  Ironically how one feels guilty for not blogging.  Weird.

Dad is back with me.  He moved back in January of this year.  It has not been easy.  My garage looks like something from the tv show "Hoarders" ... not a pretty sight.  He has been dealing with bouts of depression, understandably so.  And thankfully, he listened to my advice and went to see a counselor.

My son is doing good - thanks for asking ;-)  He started orthodontic treatment in the month of May and now has upper and lower expander.  I have him in summer camp at the same day care where he used to go when he was a baby.  It is also a big help that it is right across the street from my office.

We have some changes at work and well, when you work for the government, is good that you don't get too attached to sides 'cause you never know who you will be working with in a year or two.  I am a believer that change always brings something good.  So I am looking forward to the changes that are coming.

Like I wrote at the beginning, on Friday June 24th, it was 2 years since mom passed away.  I can say that a day does not go by in which I don't think about her.  Not a day.  I took that day off and went to the beach with my dad and the boys.  My dad went to buy flowers to throw them at sea and well, they were wrongly marked and well, the flowers ended up being free.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And well, the beach is one of my mom's favorite places to be.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The waves were a bit rough but the kids had a ball.

The next day we went to Mass and it would have been one that she would have truly enjoyed, with lively music and all of us there together.  I could just see her dressed up, with all her jewelry and clapping as she sang away.

I will never understand why she was taken away from us while she still had so much to live.  I know that she was in a lot of pain.  And she didn't deserve it.  No one does.

I would like to think that she watches over us and she is in a better place, with those that left before us, without pain, without suffering.

Mom's Orchids

19 months

19 months today mom ... 19 months since you died ... 19 months that make the 21 years we have been living in Florida seem like an instant ... I had no idea 19 months could feel longer than 21 years ... but they do ... and something tells me that next month is not going to feel any easier to deal with ...

I woke up stressed out ... rushing out the door ... like every other day ... that's not new ... and for a minute I forgot that today was a 24th ... I remembered when pops was asking for a candle to light next to your picture ... and my heart sank ... but I couldn't stay home much longer since I was already late for work.  Nothing new either, I am always running late.

But once I got to work and I was inside my office, it hit me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and the tears just started pouring down.  I contained myself after a while but I guess that is the curse of having a face that reflects your soul ... people knew I was not ok ... and the kind souls that they are, they understood and gave me my space.  I guess my office is my little safe haven, if these walls could talk ...

I miss you mom.  A lot.  Maybe if I dreamt of you once in a while it wouldn't hurt so much?  I don't know.  But I don't remember any dreams.  They say that you do dream every night, you just don't remember.  Well, it's been a while since I remembered any dreams.  I asked Gian once if he dreamt about you and he said yes ... you were outside and by what he describes is like a valley and you see each other and run towards each other and hug each other really really really tight.  Next time, can you all invite me to that dream?  I would like to see you and hug you too.

A not-so-new roommate

So now I have a not-so-new roommate now.  My dad.  

Things I have to get used to again:  his smoking, his nagging, his drinking.  I also have to get used to have fresh-brewed coffee available to me as I get dressed to get to work.  To have my van on, nice and warm by the time I walk outside.  To not having to prepare my son's lunch to school every morning.  To have food ready for me when I get home from work.

Things he has to get used to again:  my messy home, my ignoring his nagging, my walking around my house in my underwear.  He also has to get used to getting kisses and hugs every morning and night before we go to bed.  To not have to worry about whether his monies will last him a month.  To have someone to drive him around.  To not have to do the dishes anymore.

I guess depending on how I look at it I can see it as either a curse or a blessing.  Maybe is not one or the other.  Maybe it is both.  And whatever it is, we will deal with it.  I am not going anywhere.  Neither is he.  I just think that this time around, we just need to be more clear about our expectations of each other and to set more clear boundaries.  And then, we will be ok.

I remember growing up and seeing my maternal grandparents maybe once a week.  My paternal grandmother I saw her maybe once or twice a year.  And now my kid will have his grandfather pretty much 24/7.  This morning he asked me if he could go give "abuelo" a kiss.  I am sure that is priceless to my dad.  And it is to me too.  Mom left us too soon.  And I would like to think that, as we spend time with my dad, in a way, my mom is feeling those hugs, those kisses, that love.

So yeah, I have a not-so-new roomie ... and I think we will be just fine.

I miss her

Today of all days ... I miss her 

I miss my mom

I feel the bond between my sis and I dissolving and I can't stop it

I guess my mom was the glue that held us together

I miss you ma'

~ one year anniversary ~

Today marks one year since my mom passed away.

I woke up around 3:45am and just paced around the house.

Later while taking G to school I called my dad so he could speak to G. My dad is in PR since last Sunday. He wanted to be there during these days so he could go to the same beach where he had taken her ashes last year. He wanted to bring her flowers and just be there. And who could tell him not to?

So after talking to my dad, I called my sis - she took the day off to go to the beach. Same beach in which last year we went to. Where we released a "welcome home" balloon in her honor and brought flowers to the beach. I didn't ask for time off since I had already taken some days off earlier in the month.

I spoke to one of my cousins while driving in to work.

Keeping in touch with others makes me feel like I am keepin in touch with her.

"How are you doing?" is what everyone asks me and I say I am ok.

Maybe they are expecting another answer? I don't know.

I am ok but at the same time there is a side of me that is numb.

And I don't know how long that numbness is supposed to last ... or if it will be gone someday.

I miss you mimi ... bendición!

... random thoughts ...

another major holiday is on its way ... Mother's Day ... it will be the first Mother's Day without mami ... this same time last year she was packing and looking forward to her trip to Puerto Rico, to spend time with her sister, my cousins and their kids ... she passed 3 days after she returned from that trip ...

she did what she wanted to do 'til the end ... I mean, what else can anyone ask for? ... I am just thankful that God allowed enough time for her to get back home to us ... that's all ...

and this holiday, just like other holidays since she passed (except Christmas) ... I am just blagh ... that is how I feel ... like there is no excitement, nothing to look forward to, etc etc etc ... does that make sense? has that happened to you after such a big loss? I mean, I am not even looking forward to my birthday which is next week ... am kinda dreading that my dad may be planning a surprise birthday party ... I mean, it is the big 40 and all ... but I know I will be just as happy with a small cake and in the company of my dad, my sis and the kids ... but for some reason I keep suspecting that he is planning a big thing ... ugh ... they did do a big party for my 30th b'day so I guess I will find out ... blagh

in other news ... I finally decided that I was going to start the process to get G baptized ... yeah, when he was little, his dad and I had differences of opinions and it just never got done ... being that I am Catholic, I want to raise him in the Catholic faith ... of course, being that I waited soooooooooooooo friggin' long, it can't be that easy, can it? ... little man of 7 yrs old is, in the eyes of the church, an adult, therefore he can't just get baptized, he has to go through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) ... so, we are on to do what must be done ... he started RCIA last weekend and after that we went to mass ... looking forward to going with him to mass again tomorrow night since on Sunday-Mother's Day, we are going to spend the day at my dad's place ...

8 months

Today is 8 months since my mother died. She died on a Wednesday too. Today is Wednesday. I try to think back on that day and I can't remember much. Just remember being in a daze-like state, on automatic mode. I don't remember how I got home after I left the hospital. If I ate anything. Not even if I picked my son from school or not.

So much has happened since then. So many changes still happening in our family. My sister is moving, a bit far from what I am used to. My dad is thinking of moving on his own - he's been with me since she passed. It looks like I finally will get the promotion I have been waiting for years.

I like to think that she is up there ... smiling at how we are doing and watching over us. I like to think that she is the reason why all the pieces are falling into place for my sister. I like to think that she is somehow still keeping my dad company. I like to think that she is watching over the kids every second of every day. Their special guardian angel.

To me ... I like to think that somehow she is still in Puerto Rico, spending time with her sister and my cousins and my cousins's kids ... happy sorrounded by people that love her. A friend not long ago said she dreamt about her ... that she appeared to her in a dream and told her to tell my dad, to not worry about her ... that she found Nala (our dog) and that they were together and happy.

I miss her. A lot. I miss having my mom. Here. With me.

The Language of Letting Go

In the 2nd night of the parenting class the instructor suggested a book called "The Language of Letting Go" to another participant. It is basically meditations and is geared towards persons that are co-dependent and yeah... I think I am one of those ... or at least I have issues of co-dependency. Whatever rocks my boat, right? Anywhoooooo.... the instructor told this person to always read the current day PLUS what is written for August 17th ... and me, being that I love reading just had to get the book and well, I started reading it (and doing as I was told.)

Ironically when I commented to a friend about it she mentioned that she had it and in its time, it was of great help to her. And well, in my mind I started connecting the dots ... Paulo Coelho (one of my favorites authors) wrote in "The Alchemist" that (and don't quote me on this) when something is for you, the Universe conspires to bring it to you. I took the fact that my friend read this book as something I needed to do to ... more so when its message just sinks in the depths of my soul when I read it ... is like, the message is so important, so profound, that I have to read it more than once so it can sink in properly.

In tonight's class, she asked the participant to read the August 17th entry ... and I just don't know why but it opened the flood gates for me and through out the class, I just couldn't seem to close them back. It is just something about when something so deep is read out loud, that just touched a nerve in me. And I was seating at the front and I am sure the instructor could see me but I just kept my head down and I listened and I took notes. Notes that I promise I will be sharing here as it will be a way to remind myself and share it with others. The last thing she said, just struck such a deep chord in me that once I filled out my post-test, I got up and left, again 'cause I was crying and I didn't want her or anyone there to see me like that. She said that we are the product of our mothers ... I am my mother ... I am my mother?! ... I guess is true ... I am my mother.

In time I will decide if I really write about my mother in here or not. I do know and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. And I have nothing but love and respect for her. I understood how big her love for me and my sis was when I became a mother. So don't think that I am in any way, shape or form putting down my mother. Is just that ... I never saw or thought of myself being my mother. Period.

happy b'day mom

today marks 58 years that my mom was born - she passed away 4.5 months ago ... still seems so ... surreal ...

if she was here this is what we would have done ... call her in the morning to sing her happy b'day then harrass her on the phone all day - lol - then meet at her house after work and between my sis, my dad and I she would have flowers, balloons and her favorite Pepperidge Farm cake

instead my dad and I sang her happy birthday by ourselves and then decided that she was up in Heaven playing with all the pets we had since I was born almost 40 yrs ago - not counting all the family and friends that have left us before .... that made us feel a bit better .... but the lack of her presence still hurts...

how do you celebrate a loved one's b'day once they are gone?

the gift of eyesight

Today I was purging my room of old mail, receipts, magazines, old Avon brochures ... and I kid you not ... the very last piece of mail was something addressed to my dad, so naturally I gave it to him ... he was outside in the garage smoking ... when he came inside he said "my baby gave eyesight to someone" ... I stood frozen as I said "what?"... he said "someone can see thanks to my baby" ... I grabbed the card from his hand and I just stood there, reading it over and over ... and then the tears came ... I have not cried in so long!

It was a thank you card from the Lyons Institute in Tampa, FL saying thank you and letting my dad know that thanks to my mom being a donor, someone's eyesight got restored ... I am still in awe of it ... how life works ... had we opened that card a month ago when it arrived we probably would have not been ready to read it ... but now it wasn't that hard ...

To even think that someone else has her eyes ... is like ... am speechless ... I could very well in time cross paths with that person and not even know it ... wow

here I go again...

here I go again trying to be consistent with this blog thing ... my life has been/is going through so many changes since my mom passed away ... sometimes I feel like I still haven't dealt with her death ... guess I haven't...

not even 2 wks after mom passed, my dad moved in with me ... it really wasn't a big decision to make as we get along well and I just could not imagine leaving him in that apartment by himself ... so that is still a change I am dealing with ... he gets upset 'cause am glued to the computer ... I say "hey, do I complain about what you do?" and then things calm down for a bit ...

change change change ... that seems to be the word that stays on my head lately ... so many changes, so little time to adjust 'cause life just goes on whether you have adjusted or not ... sometimes I feel mami is still in PR & I grab my phone to call her and then I remember ...

some changes I have implemented in my life so far are more health oriented ... I cut down on my soda intake, I started walking and I started going to the gym ... like my favorite song says ... "sometimes goodbye is a second chance"...

my sister's birthday

Today is my sister's birthday ... I took the day off to spend it with her, to do whatever she wanted to do, however the main thing we planned to do was head out to the beach (Cocoa Beach), take some flowers and a balloon so we could do our own private goodbye to our mom ... as I type this my dad is in PR and tomorrow afternoon he will spread mom's ashes at Buye Beach in Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico... so we wanted to do our own thing since we are not in PR and cannot be with our dad at that time.

We got pink carnations and a balloon that read "Welcome Home" ... drove around until we found free parking pretty close to the beach. By the time we parked it was close to noon and in one word it was HAWT! lol We walked around until we found a spot that was pretty much isolated from the people that were there. We stared at the waves coming and going and before I knew it, I heard my sister talk to my mom ... and the tears started... we cried as we both said our goodbyes and prayers... then we let the balloon go and just held each other as we cried... she was really close to her and I know this is pretty hard on her. She then gave me some carnations and I walked further in the water, couldn't stop myself from crying and all of a sudden, bam! a wave threw me backwards and my sis and I just started laughing! We both said that was mom telling us "ha! I gotcha!" As hard as we cried before we just laughed then ... it just felt right to be there with my sister and doing what we did ... she will never be forgotten...

The rest of the day was spent between going to Ron Jon's, picking up my son and going to Denny's for some grub... sis said it was a great day for her... mission accomplished!

~ My Mom ~

the following is a copy of what I just posted on Multiply ... is the first time that I write about my mom and her passing


I just re-read my very last post here on Multiply - it was written on September 2008... yup, it's been that long since I have been here, can you believe it?

Well, for those of you that do not know (since I basically live on Facebook now, lol) ... my mom passed away almost 3 weeks ago - June 24, 2009

She had just gotten home on Father's Day (6/21/09) from being in Puerto Rico for 3 weeks - she said she wanted to go say goodbye to her family over there ... I told her to stop bs'ing me, that I knew she would bury us all with that pacemaker in her heart ... little did I know that she would leave us so soon

I really haven't written too much about it except for status msgs on FB 'cause that was my way of communicating with those that already knew ... and even though I love FB and how I can have everyone (or almost everyone) that I know in there, at the same time, I have to continually watch what I say since I have family in there (including my cousins's kids), co-workers, etc

So I am here - venting...

... while mom was in PR, I talked to her every other day and boy was she having a ball! She was truly happy with her sister and my cousins (+ their kids = over 15 persons altogether) ... I still have to talk more to my auntie and my cousins to find out how those last 3 weeks really were but I heard she was teaching them how to knit, she told one of my cousins's kid that she lives in the castle at Magic Kingdom (lol, that kid was in awe after that!), she went bowling ... she lived -- not that she didn't live here but with us, she was at ease to complain, etc -- but is like she knew what was going to happen ... she arrived on 6/21/09 in the afternoon, my dad was happy to have her back home and I came to meet them, spent some time with her and when I went to say goodbye, she was already in bed, under 4 blankets and she was so cold ... so so cold ... I should have seen it coming that night, but I didn't.

... Monday 6/22/09 I was rushing, had a meeting in the morning at another site and then I found out that my dad was taking my mom to the clinic because her blood pressure was really low ... didn't think nothing of it since it had turned into a routine by now, her ups and downs with her health ... I still have saved on my cell her message telling me that they sent her to the hospital from the clinic ... I can't bring myself to erase it, just to hear her voice one more time! ... that Monday I didn't make it to the hospital but my sis did and was with her for over 4-5 hrs

... Tuesday I talked to her a few times and she sounded good... I sneaked out of work an hour earlier, got Gian from the daycare and went to the hospital, I was there for about 2 hrs... they had her with oxygen and her blood pressure was still low (84/50 more or less) ... we talked about her visit to PR, how she was a bit hurt that some of her friends didn't go to see her and I remember telling her that she saw who she was meant to see, no more, no less ... and she just told me her usual answer ... 'uh-hum' (damn how that answer used to get on my nerves, lol) ... I left at 6'ish already planning to come visit her the next day... there never really was a next day

... Wednesday morning at 5:45am I got a call from my dad - your mom went into cardiac arrest, I am on my way to the hospital - and the very first thought I had was that, if mom died, I just had to bring my dad to live with me ... then I just looked at myself in the mirror and wondered... why am I thinking about this now? and then I paced, and paced... I didn't know what to do, who to call, etc ... I called my sis and told her about dad's call and then I went into automatic mode ... I got Gian's lunch ready, got the kid up and ready for daycare and on my way there, I called my boss and a couple of co-workers ... got to the hospital, found my dad and my sis and when I went to see her I was shocked... she was swollen and her belly was super huge... her heart, even with the pacemaker, was not pumping enough to help the body get rid of that extra liquid, hence the huge belly .... her blood pressure was low and kept decreasing even though she was at the max of meds to increase her blood pressure ... she was on a ventilator ... I could not look at her and not cry ... and I didn't want her to hear me cry, you know? ... to make a long story short, she wasn't responding... and then we talked amongst ourselves, my sis and I drilling my dad for info as to what were her wishes, etc .... and he said she didn't want to be hooked up to machines, that she didn't want to suffer, that she didn't want a viewing, that she just wanted to be cremated and for her ashes to be taken to a beach in PR, Buyé.

... and then it turned into making sure her wishes were granted... we informed the doctors and they asked us if we wanted to be with her at the time of her passing and it was a no-brainer, we said yes --- deep down I knew that she would do the same thing had any of us were in that position ... originally my dad did not want to be there, but because my sis and I were going to be there, then he wanted to be there with us ... they told us to wait outside while they unhooked her and then they called us in ... we each talked to her and said our good-bye's ... and by 1pm she was gone ... it was the hardest thing I had ever had to witness, that I had ever had to do

... my dad just moved in with me this weekend - there is still a lot of stuff in the apartment but we all felt that for his emotional health, is better if he was here... my sis helped us a lot, somehow she has turned into the oldest sister because now I feel like she is making sure I am ok...

... there are 3 things that give me comfort... # 1 - we very well could have lost her on 11/03/07 when her heart stopped beating but we didn't, we had her for almost 2 more years - even though they were full of pain for her, she got to enjoy her grandsons for a little bit longer ... #2, she didn't suffer more than she had to, and #3, she didn't die alone

... I just wish I had more time to hug her and tell her that I love her even though I know she knows ... I have a hard time crying and I feel bad, thinking that I should cry more, etc ... but I guess this grieving process is different for everyone ... I can't bring myself to cry with my dad or my sis or my kid, I feel like I have to be strong in front of them... then again, is my kid the one that told me something that shut me up ... "mami, why are you crying? you know abuela is up in Heaven and she is with Papa Dios in His House, right? isn't it good that she is there with God and she is not in pain anymore? and she is with Nala (our dog that died last year) so she is not alone? isn't all that good?" .... and I just had to say "yes papi, you are right, you are so right ... it is all good"