43

It's 10:14pm and I can't sleep.  Kiddo is next to me,  sleeping.  I am blogging from my phone.

I know,  I know... It's been a while since I last blogged.  Not sure if anyone reads it,  is not like I promote it a lot either.

So yeah...  43... That's my age now. Doesn't feel much different than 42 I tell you that.

Only difference between last year and this year is that I weigh 30 lbs less.   It may not be a big thing for others but it is a great deal to me.  I have much more to do in that department.  I went walking today for close to an hour and it wiped me out.  Which tells me I need to do it more often.

I need to be able to keep up with my kid!  LOL

-*- 2 years -*-

... 6-24-2011 ... that date marked 2 years since mom passed away ...

I have been dealing with a lots of ups and downs lately.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  Ironically how one feels guilty for not blogging.  Weird.

Dad is back with me.  He moved back in January of this year.  It has not been easy.  My garage looks like something from the tv show "Hoarders" ... not a pretty sight.  He has been dealing with bouts of depression, understandably so.  And thankfully, he listened to my advice and went to see a counselor.

My son is doing good - thanks for asking ;-)  He started orthodontic treatment in the month of May and now has upper and lower expander.  I have him in summer camp at the same day care where he used to go when he was a baby.  It is also a big help that it is right across the street from my office.

We have some changes at work and well, when you work for the government, is good that you don't get too attached to sides 'cause you never know who you will be working with in a year or two.  I am a believer that change always brings something good.  So I am looking forward to the changes that are coming.

Like I wrote at the beginning, on Friday June 24th, it was 2 years since mom passed away.  I can say that a day does not go by in which I don't think about her.  Not a day.  I took that day off and went to the beach with my dad and the boys.  My dad went to buy flowers to throw them at sea and well, they were wrongly marked and well, the flowers ended up being free.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And well, the beach is one of my mom's favorite places to be.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The waves were a bit rough but the kids had a ball.

The next day we went to Mass and it would have been one that she would have truly enjoyed, with lively music and all of us there together.  I could just see her dressed up, with all her jewelry and clapping as she sang away.

I will never understand why she was taken away from us while she still had so much to live.  I know that she was in a lot of pain.  And she didn't deserve it.  No one does.

I would like to think that she watches over us and she is in a better place, with those that left before us, without pain, without suffering.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It marks the beginning of the Lent season.  This season is a very special one as by the end of it, the Saturday before Easter, the kiddo gets baptized, confirmed and will be doing his first communion.  All three.

We attended Mass today with my sister and her son.  The kids adore each other, they are like brothers.  Well, "brudders" like my nephew says it.  So needless to say, keeping a straight face during this Mass was quiet a challenge.

I personally enjoyed telling my son about the Mass and what is going on.  The best part was when the priest was blessing the bread and the wine ... my nephew busted out with a "WOW!, that's amazing!" ... and the people around us squirmed a bit, shushing him ... but you know what?  He IS right!  WOW!  It is amazing and mind blowing to realize the miracle we are witnessing right then and there in front of us.

As we walked outside and I looked at everyone that was there I realized that we all look different, come from different backgrounds, speak different languages ... yet we all shared that ash cross on our foreheads.  It made me think that even if I feel alone, I am not alone ... and that is a comforting thought.

I miss her

Today of all days ... I miss her 

I miss my mom

I feel the bond between my sis and I dissolving and I can't stop it

I guess my mom was the glue that held us together

I miss you ma'

... random thoughts ...

another major holiday is on its way ... Mother's Day ... it will be the first Mother's Day without mami ... this same time last year she was packing and looking forward to her trip to Puerto Rico, to spend time with her sister, my cousins and their kids ... she passed 3 days after she returned from that trip ...

she did what she wanted to do 'til the end ... I mean, what else can anyone ask for? ... I am just thankful that God allowed enough time for her to get back home to us ... that's all ...

and this holiday, just like other holidays since she passed (except Christmas) ... I am just blagh ... that is how I feel ... like there is no excitement, nothing to look forward to, etc etc etc ... does that make sense? has that happened to you after such a big loss? I mean, I am not even looking forward to my birthday which is next week ... am kinda dreading that my dad may be planning a surprise birthday party ... I mean, it is the big 40 and all ... but I know I will be just as happy with a small cake and in the company of my dad, my sis and the kids ... but for some reason I keep suspecting that he is planning a big thing ... ugh ... they did do a big party for my 30th b'day so I guess I will find out ... blagh

in other news ... I finally decided that I was going to start the process to get G baptized ... yeah, when he was little, his dad and I had differences of opinions and it just never got done ... being that I am Catholic, I want to raise him in the Catholic faith ... of course, being that I waited soooooooooooooo friggin' long, it can't be that easy, can it? ... little man of 7 yrs old is, in the eyes of the church, an adult, therefore he can't just get baptized, he has to go through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) ... so, we are on to do what must be done ... he started RCIA last weekend and after that we went to mass ... looking forward to going with him to mass again tomorrow night since on Sunday-Mother's Day, we are going to spend the day at my dad's place ...

random updates

So here is a list of random updates since the last time I wrote ...

* yes!, I did get my own job so I am officially NOT acting anymore ... no, I didn't get more money ... but I have been doing the job for more than 4 years now so is just about time
* yes, I did get my house back but with pops having no transportation until like a week ago, it was a bit hard even thinking that I could go more than a week without having to haul ass over to where he is and helping him out
* kiddo got honor roll at school so momma is super proud!
* kiddo also lost another tooth and has 2 more that are loose so the tooth fairy might be busy within the next month or so
* my thumb is getting a bit greener - that was usually my parents or my sister's touch, I was the one to kill plants ... but am getting better and in a way, it makes me feel connected to ma'
* yesterday was 9 months since ma' passed away ... it seems so long ago
* for whatever reason, I feel very disconnected from a lot of people - it doesn't happen online, it happens in real life
* I decided to cut ties with a person that I felt very attached to emotionally speaking ... I think it is affecting more than what I expected it to and I don't know what to do
* at the same time, I am getting closer to someone that I know is not good for me and I don't know how to stop it since it doesn't seem that there is anyone else better than him on sight ... sad, uh?

I think that is about it ... bared my soul much?

... 'til the next time ...

The Language of Letting Go

In the 2nd night of the parenting class the instructor suggested a book called "The Language of Letting Go" to another participant. It is basically meditations and is geared towards persons that are co-dependent and yeah... I think I am one of those ... or at least I have issues of co-dependency. Whatever rocks my boat, right? Anywhoooooo.... the instructor told this person to always read the current day PLUS what is written for August 17th ... and me, being that I love reading just had to get the book and well, I started reading it (and doing as I was told.)

Ironically when I commented to a friend about it she mentioned that she had it and in its time, it was of great help to her. And well, in my mind I started connecting the dots ... Paulo Coelho (one of my favorites authors) wrote in "The Alchemist" that (and don't quote me on this) when something is for you, the Universe conspires to bring it to you. I took the fact that my friend read this book as something I needed to do to ... more so when its message just sinks in the depths of my soul when I read it ... is like, the message is so important, so profound, that I have to read it more than once so it can sink in properly.

In tonight's class, she asked the participant to read the August 17th entry ... and I just don't know why but it opened the flood gates for me and through out the class, I just couldn't seem to close them back. It is just something about when something so deep is read out loud, that just touched a nerve in me. And I was seating at the front and I am sure the instructor could see me but I just kept my head down and I listened and I took notes. Notes that I promise I will be sharing here as it will be a way to remind myself and share it with others. The last thing she said, just struck such a deep chord in me that once I filled out my post-test, I got up and left, again 'cause I was crying and I didn't want her or anyone there to see me like that. She said that we are the product of our mothers ... I am my mother ... I am my mother?! ... I guess is true ... I am my mother.

In time I will decide if I really write about my mother in here or not. I do know and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. And I have nothing but love and respect for her. I understood how big her love for me and my sis was when I became a mother. So don't think that I am in any way, shape or form putting down my mother. Is just that ... I never saw or thought of myself being my mother. Period.

He's looking at you!

Ok ... I am going to go off the line of the parenting class here a bit ... just bear with me.

This weekend I went out with a friend of mine and her kid - our kids get along G.R.E.A.T. so it is actually a relief to be out with my kid but not feeling like I am 1000% in charge of making sure he has a good time ... am sure some mothers out there will agree.

Anyway, we first went to eat at The Ale House close to where we live ... and we ordered our food and drinks ... and we are joking, having a good time and all of a sudden my friend goes ... "you know, he's looking at you" ... and I am like, uh?! So I looked around and she is like "OMG, I can't believe you haven't noticed that he's flirting with you!" and I am like so totally oblivious to the whole thing, I am still saying ... "uh?!" ... So she goes and tells me to check out our waiter, every time he comes to our table, he talks to her and answers her questions but he is looking at me. And I noticed, but I didn't get it, I didn't think it was a big deal that he would look at me while talking to her ... I mean ... I just didn't get it.

Those that truly know me, know that I am not the forward type. I don't read between the lines. If you tell me ABC, I will understand ABC, not XYZ. I am pretty quiet, reserved, shy, you name it ... until I know you, then I feel safe enough to be myself. So I don't really flirt and I will rather be out with one friend doing stuff than being in a party meeting people. So when she tells me to flirt back I am like "no way!" ... but from then on I was more aware of him ... and I just ... could not believe that he was looking at me.

Some women are used to having that attention on them, they expect it, they invite it, they provoke it. I don't. So when it happens, I tend to dismiss it... and I think I need to stop doing that. It made me feel good to notice that attention. It made the woman in me, feel alive. And I liked that.

Families First!

About two weeks ago I got a flyer from my son's school that read "Families First!" ... "Raising Responsible Children" ... wow, I mean, who DOESN'T want to raise their kids to be responsible?! So I called and signed up. Is a series of three meetings and a few nights ago was the first one.

W.O.W. ... not because I learned anything NEW but because I saw how everything that I have been reading lately in an effort to better myself, take care of myself, etc is all CONNECTED ... it was a very big "AHA!" moment for me.

One of the first things that was discussed was listening skills. Everyone hears, but not everyone listens. The instructor stated how important it is to have eye contact, to focus on what is being said and how we need to let the other person say ALL they are saying without being interrupted. How many times, while you are talking to someone, they are not even halfway done and you already have an answer on the tip of your tongue? I do it all the time! LOL So yeah, that is one of those things that I have to work on.

Then we moved on to acceptance. "Acceptance is the key to life" <<--- this phrase, according to the instructor, is what the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is based on. Life happens and you have to deal with what it throws your way. Period. You don't have to like it, you don't have to be in aggreement with it but in order for you to deal with it, you have to accept it. If what comes your way is something you don't like, is ok, but it doesn't give you the right to mistreat those around you or be mean to them. Comes to mind a phrase that my ex taught me well ... it is what it is.

We then moved to what the instructor called the "Laws of the Universe." And they are as follows:

1. Children learn what they are given to learn.

2. You are the role model at ALL times.

3. Children learn from you to view life as something positive or something negative.

4. You must be NOW what you want your child to become.

The line that struck me the most was that "you need to be NOW the person you want your child to become." Not later, not in a few years ... NOW! Soooo... that means I have some work to do .... on myself. Pronto.

I think this is enough information for one entry - on my next blog I will discuss the five assignments that were given to us and how I am doing with them. Feel free to comment below, thanks!

another way

I found another way in which I can blog ... via e-mail :)

Soooo this way as thoughts pop in my head during the day, I can still blog, cool uh? (yeah, am sure am super-late in figuring this out, whatever! lol)

Today my kid is going on a school field trip to Green Meadows Petting Farm - I took him a while ago, so yeah, daddy can go to this one - lol - so let's see how this goes ... note to self though ... next trip daddy is chaperoning (if that is not a word, I just made up a new word, lol), kid needs to stay at his house ... boy got up even before the alarm went off, @ 5:30am... ugh!

It made me a little sad when he said as I dropped him off at school ... "mami I wish both you and papa could go to the field trip with me, like a family" :(

My parents never divorced, so I don't know what growing up with divorced parents is like. My ex's parents divorced when he was 5 years old (G. was 3 yrs old when his dad and I separated) and I remember as we were going through our divorce, the talks we had, how affected he was. So I wonder if my kid is still being affected or not ... overall he seems to have adjusted well ... doesn't really remember anything from those days ... but when he says stuff like that ... I wonder ... has he really been affected or is it just wishful thinking on his part?

journals

I got my first journal - it was a Hello Kitty one - when I was 8 years old ... that is when I started writing. By the time I turned 19 which is when I moved to Florida from Puerto Rico, I had more than 10 journals. At some point, don't know why, I got paranoid and threw them away, in the trash ... um yeah, I did. I think it happened as I started surfing the net and I started dabbling with blogs and/or social sites - Yahoo360, Multiply, MySpace ... either way, I didn't start writing again in paper until I got pregnant in 2002. I started keeping a journal to and for my baby, my peanut as I used to call him. I still keep that journal but I don't write as often in it as I did when he was little. He turns 7 this year.

A lot has happened ... I feel a lot inside of me that I feel the need to write ... yet when I sit down to write, nothing comes out ... is like my muse just up and left ... but I still buy cute pens and notebooks in hopes that it will spark something ... of course what I probably need more than anything, is time to relax and let the words come out ...

What do you do when you have writer's block?