Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It marks the beginning of the Lent season.  This season is a very special one as by the end of it, the Saturday before Easter, the kiddo gets baptized, confirmed and will be doing his first communion.  All three.

We attended Mass today with my sister and her son.  The kids adore each other, they are like brothers.  Well, "brudders" like my nephew says it.  So needless to say, keeping a straight face during this Mass was quiet a challenge.

I personally enjoyed telling my son about the Mass and what is going on.  The best part was when the priest was blessing the bread and the wine ... my nephew busted out with a "WOW!, that's amazing!" ... and the people around us squirmed a bit, shushing him ... but you know what?  He IS right!  WOW!  It is amazing and mind blowing to realize the miracle we are witnessing right then and there in front of us.

As we walked outside and I looked at everyone that was there I realized that we all look different, come from different backgrounds, speak different languages ... yet we all shared that ash cross on our foreheads.  It made me think that even if I feel alone, I am not alone ... and that is a comforting thought.

Miracle

Last week, at the kiddo's RCIA class, they asked if they knew the definition of a miracle.  G's hand went straight up and I looked at him thinking "what is he going to say now."  The teacher looked at me (I sit with him in these classes) and I just shrugged my shoulders, I had no idea what he was going to say.

So this is what he says ... all the time smiling 'cause he was so proud he got picked to answer first ... and he said "a miracle is when something really, really, really awesome, that never happened before, happens" and after he said that, he just smiled ... a happy, wide smile ... he was so proud of himself ... and so was I.

He is that something really really really awesome that never happened before.

N's

I went this week to meet with G's teacher for his progress report for the 2nd quarter.  His regular teacher is out on maternity leave so the teacher that he has now is a sub.  Someone that we both know because she used to be the director of the school's extended day program.  The progress report, as far as grades, it couldn't have been better ... he got all A's, is reading way above grade level (2nd quarter of third grade, he is in second grade now) and O's (O = outstanding).  He also got 4 N's (N = needs improvement) ... these are more in the social/behavior areas ... listening, working independently, etc ... and get this ... the ONLY reason he is not in the Honor Roll this quarter is because of those N's.

Now that is some crapola right there.  I thought the Honor Roll had to do with grades.  I debated with her how he is in the classroom, 'cause knowing my child, I don't think he is that much different with her than with his regular teacher.  So she said that oh she might be more strict than the other teacher.  Ironic, a sub is stricter than a regular teacher.  She writes little things on his planner, "not following directions", "not completing his classwork", etc.  And I used to really get on him ... but after this little meeting, I think the reason he got all those N's have to do more with how she is and her strictness ... so I decided that I am going to ease on him, and let him be, well, a kid.

19 months

19 months today mom ... 19 months since you died ... 19 months that make the 21 years we have been living in Florida seem like an instant ... I had no idea 19 months could feel longer than 21 years ... but they do ... and something tells me that next month is not going to feel any easier to deal with ...

I woke up stressed out ... rushing out the door ... like every other day ... that's not new ... and for a minute I forgot that today was a 24th ... I remembered when pops was asking for a candle to light next to your picture ... and my heart sank ... but I couldn't stay home much longer since I was already late for work.  Nothing new either, I am always running late.

But once I got to work and I was inside my office, it hit me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and the tears just started pouring down.  I contained myself after a while but I guess that is the curse of having a face that reflects your soul ... people knew I was not ok ... and the kind souls that they are, they understood and gave me my space.  I guess my office is my little safe haven, if these walls could talk ...

I miss you mom.  A lot.  Maybe if I dreamt of you once in a while it wouldn't hurt so much?  I don't know.  But I don't remember any dreams.  They say that you do dream every night, you just don't remember.  Well, it's been a while since I remembered any dreams.  I asked Gian once if he dreamt about you and he said yes ... you were outside and by what he describes is like a valley and you see each other and run towards each other and hug each other really really really tight.  Next time, can you all invite me to that dream?  I would like to see you and hug you too.

Punishment?

How do you punish your kid today?  In this age of "give me, give me, give me" and this sense of entitlement that they are growing up with?  

Maybe your parents didn't give you much and you are trying to compensate for what was not given to you?  Maybe they say "pretty please?", while they pout and bat those eyelashes and you just give in?  Or maybe you rationalize that life is too short and this is your kid and if you don't spoil him/her, who will?

I am guilty of giving in to those batting eyelashes.  I am guilty of rationalizing spoiling my child.  I am guilty of trying to compensate.

I am also painfully aware of this sense of entitlement that my kid is growing with.  And I am worried as to how to keep a balance.

I explained to him that the things we enjoy and need, are not free.  I work.  And I get paid for my work, therefore I also explained to him that his "job" is to go to school, behave in school and do his best in his classwork.  So when that does not get done, I have a problem with it.

Do you remember, when you were a kid, and you did something wrong in school, that the teacher would make you stand in front of the room and write a sentence over and over until you filled the blackboard?  Your hands would be white from the chalk.  You were probably coughing from all the chalk residue.  And you knew you couldn't sit down until you were done.  It didn't matter if your back hurt.  It didn't matter if your hand hurt.  That was your punishment and there was no question that you had to do what the teacher saw fit to do.  Period.  And you knew that your parents would not question the teacher's judgement.  And you knew that if your parents found out, you would have to deal with another punishment at home.

So I came up with a similar way of punishment and I am not sure if it is working completely yet.  I got a notebook and on the top of the page I write a sentence and he has to do two pages of that same sentence.  The sentence has to do with something that he did or did not do.  This week for example, it was a 3-day school week for them (no school on Monday and today Friday) so when I picked him up on Tuesday, he proudly announced he doesn't have homework to do, could he play Wii.  He got a fat NO when I read in his planner that he did not do any classwork in school.  Instead he got to writing "I will complete my classwork" over and over.

Was he happy?  No.  I explained to him that he will not get to do the things he likes to do if he doesn't do in school the things that he must do.

Did he do it?  Yes.  Did it work?  So far it seems to be working ... two straight days of him doing good in school, but we'll see what happens.  In the meantime I will make sure to keep a pencil sharpened and the notebook handy.

... random thoughts ...

another major holiday is on its way ... Mother's Day ... it will be the first Mother's Day without mami ... this same time last year she was packing and looking forward to her trip to Puerto Rico, to spend time with her sister, my cousins and their kids ... she passed 3 days after she returned from that trip ...

she did what she wanted to do 'til the end ... I mean, what else can anyone ask for? ... I am just thankful that God allowed enough time for her to get back home to us ... that's all ...

and this holiday, just like other holidays since she passed (except Christmas) ... I am just blagh ... that is how I feel ... like there is no excitement, nothing to look forward to, etc etc etc ... does that make sense? has that happened to you after such a big loss? I mean, I am not even looking forward to my birthday which is next week ... am kinda dreading that my dad may be planning a surprise birthday party ... I mean, it is the big 40 and all ... but I know I will be just as happy with a small cake and in the company of my dad, my sis and the kids ... but for some reason I keep suspecting that he is planning a big thing ... ugh ... they did do a big party for my 30th b'day so I guess I will find out ... blagh

in other news ... I finally decided that I was going to start the process to get G baptized ... yeah, when he was little, his dad and I had differences of opinions and it just never got done ... being that I am Catholic, I want to raise him in the Catholic faith ... of course, being that I waited soooooooooooooo friggin' long, it can't be that easy, can it? ... little man of 7 yrs old is, in the eyes of the church, an adult, therefore he can't just get baptized, he has to go through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) ... so, we are on to do what must be done ... he started RCIA last weekend and after that we went to mass ... looking forward to going with him to mass again tomorrow night since on Sunday-Mother's Day, we are going to spend the day at my dad's place ...

random updates

So here is a list of random updates since the last time I wrote ...

* yes!, I did get my own job so I am officially NOT acting anymore ... no, I didn't get more money ... but I have been doing the job for more than 4 years now so is just about time
* yes, I did get my house back but with pops having no transportation until like a week ago, it was a bit hard even thinking that I could go more than a week without having to haul ass over to where he is and helping him out
* kiddo got honor roll at school so momma is super proud!
* kiddo also lost another tooth and has 2 more that are loose so the tooth fairy might be busy within the next month or so
* my thumb is getting a bit greener - that was usually my parents or my sister's touch, I was the one to kill plants ... but am getting better and in a way, it makes me feel connected to ma'
* yesterday was 9 months since ma' passed away ... it seems so long ago
* for whatever reason, I feel very disconnected from a lot of people - it doesn't happen online, it happens in real life
* I decided to cut ties with a person that I felt very attached to emotionally speaking ... I think it is affecting more than what I expected it to and I don't know what to do
* at the same time, I am getting closer to someone that I know is not good for me and I don't know how to stop it since it doesn't seem that there is anyone else better than him on sight ... sad, uh?

I think that is about it ... bared my soul much?

... 'til the next time ...

Blessing in Disguise

This past weekend, I spent the weekend with both my son and my nephew. It was cold here in Orlando so I didn't plan much - I am still taking meds for a sinus infection and Gian was on meds too. So anyway, at some point I decided to go out and check out a few stores, just to get out of the house.

We ended up at a big Dollar Tree store over here on Colonial Drive and then we stopped at Target. I usually put G in a cart and just push him around but with both of them? No buddy, you guys are walking... and just like in any other store, G brought his DSi with him. We got a few things, pay and when I get to the van I realize, G is not holding his DSi ... of course he doesn't remember a thing and I did my best to controle myself 'cause I was pissed, big time! We went back to the store and looked and looked to no avail. I left my info at customer service ... but I just knew it was gone. Am sure someone thanked their lucky stars that night.

The word 'mad' doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. Basically $400.00 in value was gone. His dad had gotten him a memory card that had more than 50 games in it - games average a price of $20.00 - $29.99, you do the math. And then I looked at what I just bought ... and realized that every treat that I got for him, I had to return it. So we did just that ... his jaw dropped. The only words coming out of his mouth was "but, but, but ...." I mean, to those moms out there ... would it be right to give him some treats after he lost that thing?

Once I got home ... my nerves took a hold of me. I cried. Not because he lost it, but because I almost lost it and for a second, I thought about hitting me. Not spank him, hit him. And I didn't recognize myself. I got really scared that I would really hit him. But I didn't do it. He saw me crying and came over to me ... he was really upset, I mean he slept with it. LOL So I calmed him down and then I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and we could think of ways for him to earn money so he can buy a new one for himself. He asked "can I do that?" I said "of course ... you can do anything that you are determined to" ... and in that moment I realized that losing this thing, may have been a blessing in disguise. We sat down, had a family meeting and came up with some rules and some chores for him to do so he could save money. I got a big can of NesQuik, cleaned it, covered it in stickers and that is his piggy bank now. Any change he sees on the floor he grabs it and saves it. And he asks to help around the house. Nice change from the me, me, me attitude.

I spoke to his dad and he said he will make sure he has another memory card and will be giving him some money too in exchange of helping around the house too. My dad is also giving him some change here and there. So let's see how long it takes ... what I really hope is that from this he learns the value of money, take better care of his things and realize that when he puts his mind to it, he can do anything.

challenge

This trying-to-be-positive business is a challenge for someone like me that tends to analyze everything that is going on, adding pros and cons, etc... but am still trying and that is all that I can do, right?

Next weekend is Thanksgiving. I don't like the holidays. I don't like having to share my kid during the holidays and I guess that is why I really don't like them anymore. As of now, I still don't know what the plans for next week are. The only thing I know is that there is no school Monday through Wednesday and that those days, I will let G stay at home with my dad while I go to work. I think it will do my dad good as he will have something to do besides being by himself all day. Then the weekend after Thanksgiving, is G's turn to be with his dad so I will dive into decorating the house for the holidays. And yeah, I still don't like the holidays much but when everything is decorated it somehow makes it more... bearable.

Just realized that I am trying to implement this change in me at the time of the year that I get more depressed ... let's see how that works out for me ...

some me time

This weekend I had some me time - G was with his dad ... Saturday it kinda sucked 'cause it entailed doing laundry (dryer died) ... in a laundromat ... for almost four, you read right, four friggin' hours! and when I got home ... had a brewskie feeling like pretty done and they I realized, damn, I left one load of sheets on a dryer, yikes! so yeah, driving buzzed to get those sheets from the dryer were my highlight from Saturday ...

Sunday was a different deal though ... I had said 'yes' to an invitation to a Wii Fit Plus Yoga Party hosted by an online friend here in Orlando ... I got lost getting there but I found the place :) felt a bit like a fish out of the water since I am not good at meeting new people, etc but I survived it ... I mean, I even had fun - can you believe that? lol

We first learned a bit about Yoga, something that has always interested me ... I was told I had good form, whatever that means! lol and then we played with a few of the new games available on the Wii Fit Plus, fun fun fun! ... and then, the best thing, something totally unexpected to me ... they actually gave each person that attended a Wii Fit Plus and also a Wii Fit Jacket, whooo hoooo!

Once I got home though, dunno if it was because I was still super tired from Saturday or just the combination of that plus that mimosa I had at the Wii Fit Plus Yoga Party but man, I had the best nap ... and of course due to that nap I am still up now @ 12:30am, lol

And um yeah, I did set up my Wii Fit Plus and even did a few things, more so after G got home and was like, "wow mami, you mean, they gave it to you and you had to pay no money?" - that just blew him away, hahaha, wait 'til he has to get a job and know how hard it is to earn money ... but anyway, what I liked the most is that it gives me an opportunity to do something with G, instead of me watching him play, we are doing something together ... and that is priceless ...

ps. thanks to Melanie aka modernmami (www.modernmami.com / @modernmami on Tweeter) for inviting me to this great party today :)

the secret club

last night I had the most interesting conversation with my kid... it went something like this...

my kid: mami, did I tell you that I have a secret club?

me: a secret club?

my kid: yeah mami, a secret club

me: so what is a secret club?

my kid: a club that is secret and we talk about secret stuff mami, duh! (how dumb of me to even ask!, lol)

me: right... so where is this secret club?

my kid: at school of course, all my secret members are friends from school (and he proceeded to tell me all the names of the secret members - all five of them, lol)

me: so you guys hide somewhere or have like a secret place to talk?

my kid: no mami we just sit in a circle and you can only go in the circle if you know the secret handshake

me: a secret handshake? why?

my kid: mami, duh! everyone KNOWS that a secret club has a secret handshake that only the secret members know! (at this time I was just covering my mouth to stop me from cracking up 'cause he was SERIOUS when he told me that long @ss line! LOL)

me: so can you show me the secret handshake?

my kid: (big sigh!, LOL!, and he goes) ok ok mami, I will but you can't tell NOBODY, OK?!

he then showed me and I am just telling you all this to tell you that... I can't show it to you! ok? lol

ps. this was just too cute NOT to share .... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Red

My baby got ‘red’ at school today.

Well, let me backtrack and explain a bit. My baby boy - he is 6 yrs old, don’t tell him I call him my baby, lol - is in Kindergarten this year. His 1st year in school. Da Big School! … and they have a ‘grading’ system for how they do during the day… kinda like the traffic light… green is good, yellow is so-so and red is BAD!

So ever since school started, he has been getting greens and yellows… more greens than yellows so I wasn’t really worried. After all, I mean, he IS a kid, not a machine. He IS 6 yrs old, not 15… and this IS his 1st experience with the school system.

At one point, when I found out that he was sitting by himself, the colors didn’t mean crap to me because I felt that he was just pushed aside ’cause she didn’t want to deal with him. Later on she explained that it is a technique they have in school for the kids that get distracted easily so they can concentrate better and finish their work. Fine then.

My main worry is that he is held back a grade because, let’s be real, I wasn’t held back, his daddy wasn’t held back… that is just something that doesn’t happen, can’t happen in my book! I wasn’t the best student but dang, I was never held back. Anyway, teacher said that won’t be a reason for him to be held back… cool then!

Fast forward to today… I am at work… crazy as heck kinda day — not surprised to find out that tomorrow there is a full moon, ppl act loco in da coco around the full moon time! — and I check my cell phone and I have a missed call from the teacher… and NO message… my heart just SANK!

I panicked and started calling her back until someone patched me through and she is like… well he has been talking non stop! … and I am like… whoa, you mean he IS ok? – ’cause by then I am thinking SOMETHING MAJOR MUST have happened! — and she goes, oh yeah he is fine… I just have to talk to you about his talking… **picture moi just staring @ the cell perplexed** … and she ends the conversation by saying that he got a red today.

So excuse me if I am wrong but I think that hey, if he didn’t get his red until late April, that’s good in my book! lol I feel that now he feels really comfortable in school and hey, he is probably bored so he has to keep himself busy. Of course I will talk to him. Don’t get me wrong, he will get reprimanded. But since today his dad picked him up, I am sure that he will address it before me and I don’t see the need in him getting reprimanded twice.

Right now, am just waiting for my baby with open arms … am sure he got an earful from his dad already, he will just need mommy’s love when he gets home tonight.