Negativity

I am trying to stay away from negativity.

Trying being the key word as I am my own worst enemy.

Most if not all of the negativity comes from the inside ...

... negative self-talk ...

... negative self-image ...

... dwelling on the past ... on the what if's ...



So yeah ... am trying to stay away ...


I want to re-train myself ... is not an option ...


I have to treat myself better.




Is it me ... or do others out there in cyberspace are like me?


Would they admit it?

random updates

So here is a list of random updates since the last time I wrote ...

* yes!, I did get my own job so I am officially NOT acting anymore ... no, I didn't get more money ... but I have been doing the job for more than 4 years now so is just about time
* yes, I did get my house back but with pops having no transportation until like a week ago, it was a bit hard even thinking that I could go more than a week without having to haul ass over to where he is and helping him out
* kiddo got honor roll at school so momma is super proud!
* kiddo also lost another tooth and has 2 more that are loose so the tooth fairy might be busy within the next month or so
* my thumb is getting a bit greener - that was usually my parents or my sister's touch, I was the one to kill plants ... but am getting better and in a way, it makes me feel connected to ma'
* yesterday was 9 months since ma' passed away ... it seems so long ago
* for whatever reason, I feel very disconnected from a lot of people - it doesn't happen online, it happens in real life
* I decided to cut ties with a person that I felt very attached to emotionally speaking ... I think it is affecting more than what I expected it to and I don't know what to do
* at the same time, I am getting closer to someone that I know is not good for me and I don't know how to stop it since it doesn't seem that there is anyone else better than him on sight ... sad, uh?

I think that is about it ... bared my soul much?

... 'til the next time ...

8 months

Today is 8 months since my mother died. She died on a Wednesday too. Today is Wednesday. I try to think back on that day and I can't remember much. Just remember being in a daze-like state, on automatic mode. I don't remember how I got home after I left the hospital. If I ate anything. Not even if I picked my son from school or not.

So much has happened since then. So many changes still happening in our family. My sister is moving, a bit far from what I am used to. My dad is thinking of moving on his own - he's been with me since she passed. It looks like I finally will get the promotion I have been waiting for years.

I like to think that she is up there ... smiling at how we are doing and watching over us. I like to think that she is the reason why all the pieces are falling into place for my sister. I like to think that she is somehow still keeping my dad company. I like to think that she is watching over the kids every second of every day. Their special guardian angel.

To me ... I like to think that somehow she is still in Puerto Rico, spending time with her sister and my cousins and my cousins's kids ... happy sorrounded by people that love her. A friend not long ago said she dreamt about her ... that she appeared to her in a dream and told her to tell my dad, to not worry about her ... that she found Nala (our dog) and that they were together and happy.

I miss her. A lot. I miss having my mom. Here. With me.

Blessing in Disguise

This past weekend, I spent the weekend with both my son and my nephew. It was cold here in Orlando so I didn't plan much - I am still taking meds for a sinus infection and Gian was on meds too. So anyway, at some point I decided to go out and check out a few stores, just to get out of the house.

We ended up at a big Dollar Tree store over here on Colonial Drive and then we stopped at Target. I usually put G in a cart and just push him around but with both of them? No buddy, you guys are walking... and just like in any other store, G brought his DSi with him. We got a few things, pay and when I get to the van I realize, G is not holding his DSi ... of course he doesn't remember a thing and I did my best to controle myself 'cause I was pissed, big time! We went back to the store and looked and looked to no avail. I left my info at customer service ... but I just knew it was gone. Am sure someone thanked their lucky stars that night.

The word 'mad' doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. Basically $400.00 in value was gone. His dad had gotten him a memory card that had more than 50 games in it - games average a price of $20.00 - $29.99, you do the math. And then I looked at what I just bought ... and realized that every treat that I got for him, I had to return it. So we did just that ... his jaw dropped. The only words coming out of his mouth was "but, but, but ...." I mean, to those moms out there ... would it be right to give him some treats after he lost that thing?

Once I got home ... my nerves took a hold of me. I cried. Not because he lost it, but because I almost lost it and for a second, I thought about hitting me. Not spank him, hit him. And I didn't recognize myself. I got really scared that I would really hit him. But I didn't do it. He saw me crying and came over to me ... he was really upset, I mean he slept with it. LOL So I calmed him down and then I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and we could think of ways for him to earn money so he can buy a new one for himself. He asked "can I do that?" I said "of course ... you can do anything that you are determined to" ... and in that moment I realized that losing this thing, may have been a blessing in disguise. We sat down, had a family meeting and came up with some rules and some chores for him to do so he could save money. I got a big can of NesQuik, cleaned it, covered it in stickers and that is his piggy bank now. Any change he sees on the floor he grabs it and saves it. And he asks to help around the house. Nice change from the me, me, me attitude.

I spoke to his dad and he said he will make sure he has another memory card and will be giving him some money too in exchange of helping around the house too. My dad is also giving him some change here and there. So let's see how long it takes ... what I really hope is that from this he learns the value of money, take better care of his things and realize that when he puts his mind to it, he can do anything.

back to work

So I went back to work this past Wednesday ... I was out of work almost a month and a half, between being sick at the beginning of October and my dad's accident mid-October ... and wow! ... it partly feels like I have been gone a long time and I also feel like, jeez, I never left! lol

Came back to find out that my group had been divided and that I am officially in charge of some of them ... officially meaning that I would be signing their time sheets, doing evaluations and such ... un-officially what I have been doing up until now is going to be done by 3 persons - does that mean I should have been getting triple pay? I always suspected that ...

Now on to refresh my supervisory skills ... and in the meantime I am still 'acting', go figure!

frankness/rudeness

I just don't get it ... why do people confuse frankness with rudeness? I mean, who said that every little thing that you think must come out of your mouth? Like my mom used to say "calladita te ves mas bonita" (= "you look prettier when you are quiet") This by no means equals keeping everything bottled up inside or not being yourself or letting anyone walk all over you, but when what you are going to say doesn't add anything productive and the only thing it does is insult those around you, why even speak? Do they do it because somehow it makes them feel better than others?

Yeah all this stemmed from the Kanye West fiasco at the VMA's last night ... add a Facebook status in which someone vented about his rude behavior and lo' and behold, someone then turns around and acts just like him, no wonder they were defending him ... and sorry, I can't stoop to their level... so let them think they know best ... I know better than that ... "calladita me veo mas bonita"....

amor

... this is something that I wrote about 2-3 yrs ago ... it is in Spanish as that is my first language

amor triste
amor chiquito
amor cobarde
amor muerto

ilusiones muertas
ilusiones rotas
ilusiones de algo que pudo ser tan grande

como una semilla
que no la enterraron
lo suficientemente hondo para poder crecer

pero gracias a
tu amor triste
tu amor chiquito
tu amor cobarde
tu amor muerto

encontre el mas grande amor
el amor a mi misma
a mi persona
a mi cuerpo
a mi mente
a mi alma

y ahora cuando te veo
solo me das pena

pq sigo viendo
un amor triste
un amor chiquito
un amor cobarde
y un amor muerto

solo tu puedes hacer que ese amor crezca en ti
y ojala un dia puedas entenderlo y lograrlo

dedicado a mi ex

Red

My baby got ‘red’ at school today.

Well, let me backtrack and explain a bit. My baby boy - he is 6 yrs old, don’t tell him I call him my baby, lol - is in Kindergarten this year. His 1st year in school. Da Big School! … and they have a ‘grading’ system for how they do during the day… kinda like the traffic light… green is good, yellow is so-so and red is BAD!

So ever since school started, he has been getting greens and yellows… more greens than yellows so I wasn’t really worried. After all, I mean, he IS a kid, not a machine. He IS 6 yrs old, not 15… and this IS his 1st experience with the school system.

At one point, when I found out that he was sitting by himself, the colors didn’t mean crap to me because I felt that he was just pushed aside ’cause she didn’t want to deal with him. Later on she explained that it is a technique they have in school for the kids that get distracted easily so they can concentrate better and finish their work. Fine then.

My main worry is that he is held back a grade because, let’s be real, I wasn’t held back, his daddy wasn’t held back… that is just something that doesn’t happen, can’t happen in my book! I wasn’t the best student but dang, I was never held back. Anyway, teacher said that won’t be a reason for him to be held back… cool then!

Fast forward to today… I am at work… crazy as heck kinda day — not surprised to find out that tomorrow there is a full moon, ppl act loco in da coco around the full moon time! — and I check my cell phone and I have a missed call from the teacher… and NO message… my heart just SANK!

I panicked and started calling her back until someone patched me through and she is like… well he has been talking non stop! … and I am like… whoa, you mean he IS ok? – ’cause by then I am thinking SOMETHING MAJOR MUST have happened! — and she goes, oh yeah he is fine… I just have to talk to you about his talking… **picture moi just staring @ the cell perplexed** … and she ends the conversation by saying that he got a red today.

So excuse me if I am wrong but I think that hey, if he didn’t get his red until late April, that’s good in my book! lol I feel that now he feels really comfortable in school and hey, he is probably bored so he has to keep himself busy. Of course I will talk to him. Don’t get me wrong, he will get reprimanded. But since today his dad picked him up, I am sure that he will address it before me and I don’t see the need in him getting reprimanded twice.

Right now, am just waiting for my baby with open arms … am sure he got an earful from his dad already, he will just need mommy’s love when he gets home tonight.