2009

2009 can not end fast enough ... seriously!  This has been a year filled with change and challenges ... from getting a promotion at work which equals more responsibilities to dealing with death when my mom passed away in June ... to changes at home when I brought my dad to live with us ... to then dealing with almost losing him in a car accident in October ... to then juggle work, raising my son, taking care of my dad, dealing with family issues, work issues, even ex's issues ... am just ready for this year to be over, finito, done, period.

 

That last day of the year though is my favorite one and do you want to know why?  It is my son's birthday.  He turns 7 years old this year ... seven!  Where did the time go?  Poof!  Just like that ... those seven years just flew by ...

 

Wonder what 2010 has in store for me ....

hugs

Today, as I walked back to my van after I dropped off G at school, a little girl came to hug me. She was in the same classroom with G last year in Kindergarten, I will call her Rose. Every time she sees me, she gives me a hug. Today thought, it felt like she needed a hug ... so I stopped - I was already late for work - and knelt down to give her a hug. And that is when I felt it ... her heart beating like a millions horses were inside that little body ... then I looked at her face and she was soooo sad. She said she misses her daddy. From what she said, I guess her parents separated or something happened that he is no longer in the house.

In a way, I am glad that G is too young to remember when his dad I separated. He wasn't affected like this little girl. It broke my heart to get up and leave her but I had to as I was already late for work. But I have her here, squeezed inside my heart ...

grateful

Last night, out of the blue, G says "mami I am grateful for life!" ... and I was like "awwwwwwwwwww" and "where did you hear that?" ... and he says "nowhere, I just think about it in my head and it just came out of my mouth" ... guess what ... he is not the only grateful one ...

Naughty or Nice

G has been mentioning and asking if Santa really has a list or not ... he just can not believe that someone would actually get COAL instead of presents on Christmas Day! LOL

I think he is a little preocuppied that he might not get what he wants - games, games and more games! - So ... I made this http://www.mdmgames.net/npnOrlandoSentinel/?v=N9b3nKV8OHH9gX2jsTbreg%3d%3d at The Orlando Sentinel website - www.orlandosentinel.com - so I can show him that he is on the Nice list and not the Naughty one!

humming

Today is a wet, soggy, gray, gloomy day here in Orlando.  One of those days that you just want to stay home, under the covers, watching tv and sipping hot chocolate.  I will try to do that tomorrow when I am off work ... in the meantime, I have soup here at work to comfort me.  These type of days one needs comfort food to get through the day.  In spite of the gloominess of the day, I woke up smiling, content ... I could even say happy.  Why?  ... 'cause I woke up hearing my dad humming ... and that is a good thing because to me, that is a sign that he is happy ... and for at least a month he had stopped doing it because of depression.

 

And he has more than enough reasons to be depressed but he has always pulled himself up.  He is my hero.  He gets on my nerves, oh boy does he get on my nerves ... but he is my hero.  He looks at me crazy the times I have said that to him but hey, at least he knows ... people should know how you feel about them when they are alive, not after.  More so when it is something good ... if it is bad, then that is just a topic for another blog.  Seriously.

 

So yeah, today I am grateful for waking up to that sound.  Happiness is contagious ... he probably has no idea how it affects me but it does.  I am the person that usually sees her glass half empty ... everyone else's glass is half full but not mines.  I am trying to change this about myself.  To that end I started a gratitude journal today and my first entry for today was that ... that I was grateful for my dad humming.  It made a difference on how my day started... for real.

When it rains...

When it rains, it pours ... so they say, but I can attest to the fact that it is true!  This has been one of the hardest years I have ever had to deal with ... new responsibilities at work (which I welcomed 'cause I was feeling like I was in a rut) ... more responsibilities with my mom due to her health (which I shared with my dad and my sister as we have no other family here in Orlando) ... then in June mom passed away ... BAM!  That was one hit that I was definitely NOT ready for ... none of us were ... so I moved my dad in with me and my son in July, in August he retired and in October ... BOOM!, another hit ... my dad had a car accident that had it not been for him wearing a seatbelt and the airbags, it would have been much more worse ... his car was a total loss and he is at home recuperating, slowly but surely ... he broke his right arm and leg and he is healing (thank God!) but it is a slow process ... he won't be able to put weight on it at least the first week in January 2010.

 

At this point I feel like the ham (or the cheese if you don't eat ham) of the sandwich, smack right in the middle.  I am responsible for my kid but now I am responsible for my dad too ... I am a parent and a parent to my parent?  Does that make sense?  The one word that truly describes how I feel right now is overwhelmed.  Very.  Overwhelmed.

 

And to make the deal even sweeter (or sour, depending on how you look at it), my sister's car broke down.  Just like she was saying this weekend ... first there were three (cars), then two, then one ... I told her to shut up and don't jinx my van ... which by the way she is driving today.  So yeah, when it rains, it pours ... where's my friggin' umbrella?

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving is the first Thanksgiving without my mom, G's grandma.  That boy was the light of her eyes, her first grandson ... she took care of him since he was 6 weeks old - when I had to return back to work.  She took care of him until he was 3 years old which is when her health started to decline.

 

After we prayed and before we started eating my dad asked G what he was thankful for and he said his grandma... and then he told my dad "abuelo, I really miss her but she is better with Papa Dios, right?" ... my dad's reaction was just to hug him real tight, just like my mother would.

 

Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Family

This was our first Thanksgiving without my mom. It felt as surreal as when we celebrated the birthdays and other important dates after her death. Sis stayed over as she was going to Black Friday the next day. I tagged along after 7am and only because I wanted to go to CompUSA - where I treated myself of course. I realized one thing ... Black Friday just brought out the worst part of my rican-ness and boy was that like, not good. I don't know if I will be going super duper early next year ... maybe if they can sell patience in a bottle.

The best part of this weekend though was that G's paternal grandma came to visit from Puerto Rico. It was awesome to see her, my ex-MIL (mother-in-law) - I always got along with her and one of the drawbacks of being divorced was not seeing her as often. She is the only grandma that my son has left, I want to make sure he has a relationship with her ... then again I can only do so much.

Now if I could just take a break from my family... oh yes, am going back to work tomorrow.

$100.00 IKEA gift card contest

I am trying to win this, hehehe

so here's the link to the contest

http://www.givedaddy.com/thanksgiving-bonanza-ikea/

rough day

Last night as we were going to sleep, G got in my face - it was dark so I guess he wanted to make sure my eyes were open - and he asked "mami, did you have a rough day today?" and when I said yes, he said "a rough, rough, rough day?" and I said "well not that rough but still..."  so he goes "well, let me make it better... let's shnuggle, wuggle, puggle" ... and we did ... and he made my rough day go away ...

5 months

Today marks five months since my mom passed away.  I still feel kind of numb about it.  I feel like I have not mourned her properly.  Maybe this feeling stems from not having what I call a traditional funeral.  We didn't have a wake or a viewing.  She was cremated and then her ashes were blessed at a memorial mass.  Then my dad went alone to Puerto Rico to spread her ashes.  And that was it... and then we move on ... because life goes on.  It waits for no one.  Clothes still have to be washed.  Kid still has to go to school and homework has to be done.  I still had to go to work ... etc etc etc

 

But ... what do I do with this numbness?  with this feeling like I haven't mourned enough?  is it ever enough?  what do I do with the tears that fill up my eyes yet don't spill on my cheeks?  when do I tell myself that it is ok to move on? and how do I move on?  The only thing that I have done since she passed is do what I have to do.  And maybe, just maybe ... that is enough for now. 

 

One of my last conversations with her, I apologized for being rude - yeah, I have a short fuse - and she said "what do I have to forgive you for?  you are my first born, my first love ... there is nothing to forgive ... I love you and understand who and how you are ..."  so maybe this is what I have to do to handle all these conflicting emotions and should have's, could have's, would have's ... hold on to that last conversation 'cause in there, she said everything ...

phone calls from my son

During these 3 days before Thanksgiving, while I am at work, G is at home with my dad - school is completely out this week.  And every time my son wants to talk to me, he has my dad call me.  Yesterday it was to tell me that they were showing SpongeBob and then Wow Wow Wubbzy and therefore, he would not be playing Wii because he wanted to watch "muñequitos" (= cartoons) ... and just now he called for me to hear a song from the Lego Batman Wii game that he just knew that I would like ... so he blasted the song on the tv so I could hear it through the phone.

 

He makes my day =)

My Witty Kid

So I am a mom and I have a kid. One, only one. It's a boy and he turns 7 in December of this year. And he comes up with the wittiest and sweetest remarks ever ... hence the title of this blog.

He is my blessing, the best part of me and the reason why I get up every morning. He sings to himself in the car and calls out "bumblebee!" every time he sees a bright yellow car. He laughs in his sleep. We shnuggle wuggle puggle before we get up in the morning and now that my dad lives with us, he translates from Spanish to English with no problem. Good for him but bad for me - leaving me to spell in Spanish when I am trying to say something that has to do with him.

So yeah, this blog is about and for him ... and for you to enjoy his witty, smartass and sweet remarks. Enjoy!

challenge

This trying-to-be-positive business is a challenge for someone like me that tends to analyze everything that is going on, adding pros and cons, etc... but am still trying and that is all that I can do, right?

Next weekend is Thanksgiving. I don't like the holidays. I don't like having to share my kid during the holidays and I guess that is why I really don't like them anymore. As of now, I still don't know what the plans for next week are. The only thing I know is that there is no school Monday through Wednesday and that those days, I will let G stay at home with my dad while I go to work. I think it will do my dad good as he will have something to do besides being by himself all day. Then the weekend after Thanksgiving, is G's turn to be with his dad so I will dive into decorating the house for the holidays. And yeah, I still don't like the holidays much but when everything is decorated it somehow makes it more... bearable.

Just realized that I am trying to implement this change in me at the time of the year that I get more depressed ... let's see how that works out for me ...

Change

I am working on changing the way I look at life. When I got into one of my moods as kid/teenager, my dad's pet name for me was "Vinagre" (= vinegar) ... that should give you a hint as how pleasant I was perceived as ... [that last sentence said with a very very sarcastic tone]

I recently started reading a book that I bought six months ago. It's called "The First 30 Days" by Ariane De Bonvoisin. (@clickariane on Twitter and her site is www.first30days.com) The book is basically about the one word that I would use to describe 2009 for me ... change. I guess because of all the changes is why it took me six months to start it? I don't know. I only know is that I feel that I am reading it now because now is when I am meant to read it.

I have always believed that things happen for a reason, even though we may never understand the reason why it happened in the first place. At the same time, I have always been a little more on the pesimistic side when it comes to me and the things that happen to me. I can see the glass half full for everyone else and their mother ... but not me.

So that is what I am working on at this time ... in looking for the positive ... in keeping an optimistic outlook ... and is not easy, but dang, it can't be impossible, can it?

another way

I found another way in which I can blog ... via e-mail :)

Soooo this way as thoughts pop in my head during the day, I can still blog, cool uh? (yeah, am sure am super-late in figuring this out, whatever! lol)

Today my kid is going on a school field trip to Green Meadows Petting Farm - I took him a while ago, so yeah, daddy can go to this one - lol - so let's see how this goes ... note to self though ... next trip daddy is chaperoning (if that is not a word, I just made up a new word, lol), kid needs to stay at his house ... boy got up even before the alarm went off, @ 5:30am... ugh!

It made me a little sad when he said as I dropped him off at school ... "mami I wish both you and papa could go to the field trip with me, like a family" :(

My parents never divorced, so I don't know what growing up with divorced parents is like. My ex's parents divorced when he was 5 years old (G. was 3 yrs old when his dad and I separated) and I remember as we were going through our divorce, the talks we had, how affected he was. So I wonder if my kid is still being affected or not ... overall he seems to have adjusted well ... doesn't really remember anything from those days ... but when he says stuff like that ... I wonder ... has he really been affected or is it just wishful thinking on his part?

journals

I got my first journal - it was a Hello Kitty one - when I was 8 years old ... that is when I started writing. By the time I turned 19 which is when I moved to Florida from Puerto Rico, I had more than 10 journals. At some point, don't know why, I got paranoid and threw them away, in the trash ... um yeah, I did. I think it happened as I started surfing the net and I started dabbling with blogs and/or social sites - Yahoo360, Multiply, MySpace ... either way, I didn't start writing again in paper until I got pregnant in 2002. I started keeping a journal to and for my baby, my peanut as I used to call him. I still keep that journal but I don't write as often in it as I did when he was little. He turns 7 this year.

A lot has happened ... I feel a lot inside of me that I feel the need to write ... yet when I sit down to write, nothing comes out ... is like my muse just up and left ... but I still buy cute pens and notebooks in hopes that it will spark something ... of course what I probably need more than anything, is time to relax and let the words come out ...

What do you do when you have writer's block?

some me time

This weekend I had some me time - G was with his dad ... Saturday it kinda sucked 'cause it entailed doing laundry (dryer died) ... in a laundromat ... for almost four, you read right, four friggin' hours! and when I got home ... had a brewskie feeling like pretty done and they I realized, damn, I left one load of sheets on a dryer, yikes! so yeah, driving buzzed to get those sheets from the dryer were my highlight from Saturday ...

Sunday was a different deal though ... I had said 'yes' to an invitation to a Wii Fit Plus Yoga Party hosted by an online friend here in Orlando ... I got lost getting there but I found the place :) felt a bit like a fish out of the water since I am not good at meeting new people, etc but I survived it ... I mean, I even had fun - can you believe that? lol

We first learned a bit about Yoga, something that has always interested me ... I was told I had good form, whatever that means! lol and then we played with a few of the new games available on the Wii Fit Plus, fun fun fun! ... and then, the best thing, something totally unexpected to me ... they actually gave each person that attended a Wii Fit Plus and also a Wii Fit Jacket, whooo hoooo!

Once I got home though, dunno if it was because I was still super tired from Saturday or just the combination of that plus that mimosa I had at the Wii Fit Plus Yoga Party but man, I had the best nap ... and of course due to that nap I am still up now @ 12:30am, lol

And um yeah, I did set up my Wii Fit Plus and even did a few things, more so after G got home and was like, "wow mami, you mean, they gave it to you and you had to pay no money?" - that just blew him away, hahaha, wait 'til he has to get a job and know how hard it is to earn money ... but anyway, what I liked the most is that it gives me an opportunity to do something with G, instead of me watching him play, we are doing something together ... and that is priceless ...

ps. thanks to Melanie aka modernmami (www.modernmami.com / @modernmami on Tweeter) for inviting me to this great party today :)

back to work

So I went back to work this past Wednesday ... I was out of work almost a month and a half, between being sick at the beginning of October and my dad's accident mid-October ... and wow! ... it partly feels like I have been gone a long time and I also feel like, jeez, I never left! lol

Came back to find out that my group had been divided and that I am officially in charge of some of them ... officially meaning that I would be signing their time sheets, doing evaluations and such ... un-officially what I have been doing up until now is going to be done by 3 persons - does that mean I should have been getting triple pay? I always suspected that ...

Now on to refresh my supervisory skills ... and in the meantime I am still 'acting', go figure!

happy b'day mom

today marks 58 years that my mom was born - she passed away 4.5 months ago ... still seems so ... surreal ...

if she was here this is what we would have done ... call her in the morning to sing her happy b'day then harrass her on the phone all day - lol - then meet at her house after work and between my sis, my dad and I she would have flowers, balloons and her favorite Pepperidge Farm cake

instead my dad and I sang her happy birthday by ourselves and then decided that she was up in Heaven playing with all the pets we had since I was born almost 40 yrs ago - not counting all the family and friends that have left us before .... that made us feel a bit better .... but the lack of her presence still hurts...

how do you celebrate a loved one's b'day once they are gone?

gratefulness

I am still @ home taking care of my dad due to the car accident he had last month. I am just grateful that he survived it with minor injuries compared to the accident. Also grateful that I haven't taken that many vacations - therefore I had enough time to be able to stay home with him ... priceless ...

what are you grateful for?

frankness/rudeness

I just don't get it ... why do people confuse frankness with rudeness? I mean, who said that every little thing that you think must come out of your mouth? Like my mom used to say "calladita te ves mas bonita" (= "you look prettier when you are quiet") This by no means equals keeping everything bottled up inside or not being yourself or letting anyone walk all over you, but when what you are going to say doesn't add anything productive and the only thing it does is insult those around you, why even speak? Do they do it because somehow it makes them feel better than others?

Yeah all this stemmed from the Kanye West fiasco at the VMA's last night ... add a Facebook status in which someone vented about his rude behavior and lo' and behold, someone then turns around and acts just like him, no wonder they were defending him ... and sorry, I can't stoop to their level... so let them think they know best ... I know better than that ... "calladita me veo mas bonita"....

the gift of eyesight

Today I was purging my room of old mail, receipts, magazines, old Avon brochures ... and I kid you not ... the very last piece of mail was something addressed to my dad, so naturally I gave it to him ... he was outside in the garage smoking ... when he came inside he said "my baby gave eyesight to someone" ... I stood frozen as I said "what?"... he said "someone can see thanks to my baby" ... I grabbed the card from his hand and I just stood there, reading it over and over ... and then the tears came ... I have not cried in so long!

It was a thank you card from the Lyons Institute in Tampa, FL saying thank you and letting my dad know that thanks to my mom being a donor, someone's eyesight got restored ... I am still in awe of it ... how life works ... had we opened that card a month ago when it arrived we probably would have not been ready to read it ... but now it wasn't that hard ...

To even think that someone else has her eyes ... is like ... am speechless ... I could very well in time cross paths with that person and not even know it ... wow

here I go again...

here I go again trying to be consistent with this blog thing ... my life has been/is going through so many changes since my mom passed away ... sometimes I feel like I still haven't dealt with her death ... guess I haven't...

not even 2 wks after mom passed, my dad moved in with me ... it really wasn't a big decision to make as we get along well and I just could not imagine leaving him in that apartment by himself ... so that is still a change I am dealing with ... he gets upset 'cause am glued to the computer ... I say "hey, do I complain about what you do?" and then things calm down for a bit ...

change change change ... that seems to be the word that stays on my head lately ... so many changes, so little time to adjust 'cause life just goes on whether you have adjusted or not ... sometimes I feel mami is still in PR & I grab my phone to call her and then I remember ...

some changes I have implemented in my life so far are more health oriented ... I cut down on my soda intake, I started walking and I started going to the gym ... like my favorite song says ... "sometimes goodbye is a second chance"...

my sister's birthday

Today is my sister's birthday ... I took the day off to spend it with her, to do whatever she wanted to do, however the main thing we planned to do was head out to the beach (Cocoa Beach), take some flowers and a balloon so we could do our own private goodbye to our mom ... as I type this my dad is in PR and tomorrow afternoon he will spread mom's ashes at Buye Beach in Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico... so we wanted to do our own thing since we are not in PR and cannot be with our dad at that time.

We got pink carnations and a balloon that read "Welcome Home" ... drove around until we found free parking pretty close to the beach. By the time we parked it was close to noon and in one word it was HAWT! lol We walked around until we found a spot that was pretty much isolated from the people that were there. We stared at the waves coming and going and before I knew it, I heard my sister talk to my mom ... and the tears started... we cried as we both said our goodbyes and prayers... then we let the balloon go and just held each other as we cried... she was really close to her and I know this is pretty hard on her. She then gave me some carnations and I walked further in the water, couldn't stop myself from crying and all of a sudden, bam! a wave threw me backwards and my sis and I just started laughing! We both said that was mom telling us "ha! I gotcha!" As hard as we cried before we just laughed then ... it just felt right to be there with my sister and doing what we did ... she will never be forgotten...

The rest of the day was spent between going to Ron Jon's, picking up my son and going to Denny's for some grub... sis said it was a great day for her... mission accomplished!

~ My Mom ~

the following is a copy of what I just posted on Multiply ... is the first time that I write about my mom and her passing


I just re-read my very last post here on Multiply - it was written on September 2008... yup, it's been that long since I have been here, can you believe it?

Well, for those of you that do not know (since I basically live on Facebook now, lol) ... my mom passed away almost 3 weeks ago - June 24, 2009

She had just gotten home on Father's Day (6/21/09) from being in Puerto Rico for 3 weeks - she said she wanted to go say goodbye to her family over there ... I told her to stop bs'ing me, that I knew she would bury us all with that pacemaker in her heart ... little did I know that she would leave us so soon

I really haven't written too much about it except for status msgs on FB 'cause that was my way of communicating with those that already knew ... and even though I love FB and how I can have everyone (or almost everyone) that I know in there, at the same time, I have to continually watch what I say since I have family in there (including my cousins's kids), co-workers, etc

So I am here - venting...

... while mom was in PR, I talked to her every other day and boy was she having a ball! She was truly happy with her sister and my cousins (+ their kids = over 15 persons altogether) ... I still have to talk more to my auntie and my cousins to find out how those last 3 weeks really were but I heard she was teaching them how to knit, she told one of my cousins's kid that she lives in the castle at Magic Kingdom (lol, that kid was in awe after that!), she went bowling ... she lived -- not that she didn't live here but with us, she was at ease to complain, etc -- but is like she knew what was going to happen ... she arrived on 6/21/09 in the afternoon, my dad was happy to have her back home and I came to meet them, spent some time with her and when I went to say goodbye, she was already in bed, under 4 blankets and she was so cold ... so so cold ... I should have seen it coming that night, but I didn't.

... Monday 6/22/09 I was rushing, had a meeting in the morning at another site and then I found out that my dad was taking my mom to the clinic because her blood pressure was really low ... didn't think nothing of it since it had turned into a routine by now, her ups and downs with her health ... I still have saved on my cell her message telling me that they sent her to the hospital from the clinic ... I can't bring myself to erase it, just to hear her voice one more time! ... that Monday I didn't make it to the hospital but my sis did and was with her for over 4-5 hrs

... Tuesday I talked to her a few times and she sounded good... I sneaked out of work an hour earlier, got Gian from the daycare and went to the hospital, I was there for about 2 hrs... they had her with oxygen and her blood pressure was still low (84/50 more or less) ... we talked about her visit to PR, how she was a bit hurt that some of her friends didn't go to see her and I remember telling her that she saw who she was meant to see, no more, no less ... and she just told me her usual answer ... 'uh-hum' (damn how that answer used to get on my nerves, lol) ... I left at 6'ish already planning to come visit her the next day... there never really was a next day

... Wednesday morning at 5:45am I got a call from my dad - your mom went into cardiac arrest, I am on my way to the hospital - and the very first thought I had was that, if mom died, I just had to bring my dad to live with me ... then I just looked at myself in the mirror and wondered... why am I thinking about this now? and then I paced, and paced... I didn't know what to do, who to call, etc ... I called my sis and told her about dad's call and then I went into automatic mode ... I got Gian's lunch ready, got the kid up and ready for daycare and on my way there, I called my boss and a couple of co-workers ... got to the hospital, found my dad and my sis and when I went to see her I was shocked... she was swollen and her belly was super huge... her heart, even with the pacemaker, was not pumping enough to help the body get rid of that extra liquid, hence the huge belly .... her blood pressure was low and kept decreasing even though she was at the max of meds to increase her blood pressure ... she was on a ventilator ... I could not look at her and not cry ... and I didn't want her to hear me cry, you know? ... to make a long story short, she wasn't responding... and then we talked amongst ourselves, my sis and I drilling my dad for info as to what were her wishes, etc .... and he said she didn't want to be hooked up to machines, that she didn't want to suffer, that she didn't want a viewing, that she just wanted to be cremated and for her ashes to be taken to a beach in PR, Buyé.

... and then it turned into making sure her wishes were granted... we informed the doctors and they asked us if we wanted to be with her at the time of her passing and it was a no-brainer, we said yes --- deep down I knew that she would do the same thing had any of us were in that position ... originally my dad did not want to be there, but because my sis and I were going to be there, then he wanted to be there with us ... they told us to wait outside while they unhooked her and then they called us in ... we each talked to her and said our good-bye's ... and by 1pm she was gone ... it was the hardest thing I had ever had to witness, that I had ever had to do

... my dad just moved in with me this weekend - there is still a lot of stuff in the apartment but we all felt that for his emotional health, is better if he was here... my sis helped us a lot, somehow she has turned into the oldest sister because now I feel like she is making sure I am ok...

... there are 3 things that give me comfort... # 1 - we very well could have lost her on 11/03/07 when her heart stopped beating but we didn't, we had her for almost 2 more years - even though they were full of pain for her, she got to enjoy her grandsons for a little bit longer ... #2, she didn't suffer more than she had to, and #3, she didn't die alone

... I just wish I had more time to hug her and tell her that I love her even though I know she knows ... I have a hard time crying and I feel bad, thinking that I should cry more, etc ... but I guess this grieving process is different for everyone ... I can't bring myself to cry with my dad or my sis or my kid, I feel like I have to be strong in front of them... then again, is my kid the one that told me something that shut me up ... "mami, why are you crying? you know abuela is up in Heaven and she is with Papa Dios in His House, right? isn't it good that she is there with God and she is not in pain anymore? and she is with Nala (our dog that died last year) so she is not alone? isn't all that good?" .... and I just had to say "yes papi, you are right, you are so right ... it is all good"

20 yrs

today marks 20 yrs that we moved to the US of A ... 20 friggin' yrs!

when we first moved here - we being my parents, sis and I - we moved to a relative's house in Longwood, one of the cities close to Orlando ... what I remember most of that day was the ride to the house from the airport... for some reason, everytime I drive down that road, I remember that day

sometimes I wonder what life would have been for me had I decided - against my parents' wishes - to stay in Puerto Rico (I was 19 at the time, yeah, do the math, am friggin' 39 yrs old, lol)... only sometimes though... I love my island but I like it here and this is home now

last summer I went to my high school's 20th yr reunion and even though it was great to see everyone... I felt like a fish out of water... I had a great time there, don't get me wrong, but that wasn't my home anymore... it was kind of bittersweet to me

in the past 20 yrs I got my bachelor's degree, bought my first (and second) car, bought my own home, got married, had a son, got divorced and have kept my job with the local government for the past 15 yrs (and counting!) ... now I am thinking, what about the next 20 yrs of my life? what am I going to do with those?

to help clarify and make changes I am now reading, not one, not two but three books (is a habit I have, can't read just one at a time, is that bad?, lol)

these are the books I am reading now.... The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson, What Happy Women Know by Dan Baker and Cathy Greenberg and The First 30 days by Ariane de Bonvoisin. The first one I got it as a Christmas gift from my sis and the last two I bought at the Florida Conference for Women I attended on May 12th (that is a post that I have to write later, very empowering day!)

the key now is to find the time to read... ha! laters!

the secret club

last night I had the most interesting conversation with my kid... it went something like this...

my kid: mami, did I tell you that I have a secret club?

me: a secret club?

my kid: yeah mami, a secret club

me: so what is a secret club?

my kid: a club that is secret and we talk about secret stuff mami, duh! (how dumb of me to even ask!, lol)

me: right... so where is this secret club?

my kid: at school of course, all my secret members are friends from school (and he proceeded to tell me all the names of the secret members - all five of them, lol)

me: so you guys hide somewhere or have like a secret place to talk?

my kid: no mami we just sit in a circle and you can only go in the circle if you know the secret handshake

me: a secret handshake? why?

my kid: mami, duh! everyone KNOWS that a secret club has a secret handshake that only the secret members know! (at this time I was just covering my mouth to stop me from cracking up 'cause he was SERIOUS when he told me that long @ss line! LOL)

me: so can you show me the secret handshake?

my kid: (big sigh!, LOL!, and he goes) ok ok mami, I will but you can't tell NOBODY, OK?!

he then showed me and I am just telling you all this to tell you that... I can't show it to you! ok? lol

ps. this was just too cute NOT to share .... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

amor

... this is something that I wrote about 2-3 yrs ago ... it is in Spanish as that is my first language

amor triste
amor chiquito
amor cobarde
amor muerto

ilusiones muertas
ilusiones rotas
ilusiones de algo que pudo ser tan grande

como una semilla
que no la enterraron
lo suficientemente hondo para poder crecer

pero gracias a
tu amor triste
tu amor chiquito
tu amor cobarde
tu amor muerto

encontre el mas grande amor
el amor a mi misma
a mi persona
a mi cuerpo
a mi mente
a mi alma

y ahora cuando te veo
solo me das pena

pq sigo viendo
un amor triste
un amor chiquito
un amor cobarde
y un amor muerto

solo tu puedes hacer que ese amor crezca en ti
y ojala un dia puedas entenderlo y lograrlo

dedicado a mi ex

I won! I won! I won!

a few weeks ago I entered a contest to win tickets to go the first Florida Conference for Women here in Orlando, FL ... and I found out a few hours ago that I won! I am so excited!!!! :)

this is the conference's site http://www.flconferenceforwomen.org/index.html

to me is like soooo stepping out of my comfort zone... is held the day right before my b'day...

ahhh ha!!!!

so yeah... well guess what? after that 'red'... that I thought I would not have to address... joke was on me 'cause daddy'o didn't address it with the kiddo... forgot that he is the so-called 'fun parent'... anywho... had a talk with the kiddo and Friday he got 'yellow'... hey, that works for me! lol at least it wasn't another red... (let's see how today goes...)

over the weekend I took the kiddo - along with the parentals and my other kiddo, my nephew - to Lake Eola here in Orlando ... it was truly a beautiful day! I posted the pics in Facebook -- gotta remind myself to add the link to this post when I get home. It is something that we need to do more often, just pack the bike and head out. :) link! --->> www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106637&id=749641755&l=4aeeced9bd

now this weekend coming up I got lots of stuff that need to be done @ home ... re-arranging my bedroom (again!), taking care of the lawn and clean clean clean! lol

fun, uh? lol

Red

My baby got ‘red’ at school today.

Well, let me backtrack and explain a bit. My baby boy - he is 6 yrs old, don’t tell him I call him my baby, lol - is in Kindergarten this year. His 1st year in school. Da Big School! … and they have a ‘grading’ system for how they do during the day… kinda like the traffic light… green is good, yellow is so-so and red is BAD!

So ever since school started, he has been getting greens and yellows… more greens than yellows so I wasn’t really worried. After all, I mean, he IS a kid, not a machine. He IS 6 yrs old, not 15… and this IS his 1st experience with the school system.

At one point, when I found out that he was sitting by himself, the colors didn’t mean crap to me because I felt that he was just pushed aside ’cause she didn’t want to deal with him. Later on she explained that it is a technique they have in school for the kids that get distracted easily so they can concentrate better and finish their work. Fine then.

My main worry is that he is held back a grade because, let’s be real, I wasn’t held back, his daddy wasn’t held back… that is just something that doesn’t happen, can’t happen in my book! I wasn’t the best student but dang, I was never held back. Anyway, teacher said that won’t be a reason for him to be held back… cool then!

Fast forward to today… I am at work… crazy as heck kinda day — not surprised to find out that tomorrow there is a full moon, ppl act loco in da coco around the full moon time! — and I check my cell phone and I have a missed call from the teacher… and NO message… my heart just SANK!

I panicked and started calling her back until someone patched me through and she is like… well he has been talking non stop! … and I am like… whoa, you mean he IS ok? – ’cause by then I am thinking SOMETHING MAJOR MUST have happened! — and she goes, oh yeah he is fine… I just have to talk to you about his talking… **picture moi just staring @ the cell perplexed** … and she ends the conversation by saying that he got a red today.

So excuse me if I am wrong but I think that hey, if he didn’t get his red until late April, that’s good in my book! lol I feel that now he feels really comfortable in school and hey, he is probably bored so he has to keep himself busy. Of course I will talk to him. Don’t get me wrong, he will get reprimanded. But since today his dad picked him up, I am sure that he will address it before me and I don’t see the need in him getting reprimanded twice.

Right now, am just waiting for my baby with open arms … am sure he got an earful from his dad already, he will just need mommy’s love when he gets home tonight.

mute?

not really... what happened that I didn't blog here? I decided to create another blog in wordpress and I blogged a bit more there but not much... all the changes @ work and the pressure of the new responsibilities I have now @ work kept me from coming here... not that I had any followers but I guess I should explain it somehow, so yeah, there... that's why! lol

not sure if it shows as a blog that I follow but here's the link - http://candlestar.wordpress.com

still not sure if I will have time to keep them both up to date, however, with them being linked, it'll be easy to follow me anywhere... laters!

... finding my inner voice ...

here I go again into another attempt at doing & keeping a blog... let's see how that goes...

I spend most of my day talking & dealing w/ppl... so when I get home, it is actually easier for me to just write than talk... as a matter of fact, I really don't even like been on the phone too much... haha I rather text! lol

a brief intro... I am a 38 yr old 'rican girl that makes a living as a social worker in the beautiful city of Orlando, Florida... I am divorced & have 1 son that is 6 yrs old, who is the love of my life... to him I am still 'the most beautiful mom in the Universe' - yes, he says it just like that and my heart just melts :)

this blog is just a place for me to vent, brainstorm & just try to find that little voice that we all have but mine seems to be buried deep deep down... wish me luck!