Thursday, December 1, 2011

A letter to my sister

Dear sister,

I am sorry I can't be the sister you need me to be.  You see, ever since you were 12 years old, I acted as your mom.  Our mom was mentally ill - something that I can say out loud now - and I took on the mom role.  I don't know how not to be your mom now.

Mom died 2 years ago and I will never forget that you told me that you felt like your sister died.  Which left me thinking ... what am I then?

You are a free spirit and that is something that I envy.  Why? Because I guess I am too responsible.  Too mommy'ish?  I don't know.

I love you and I want nothing but the best for you.

I feel pushed aside when you chose to hide stuff from me. 

I am good enough to help you but not good enough to be your friend?

A friend keeps telling me I have to do things differently if I want different results.

If you could live without my help, I am afraid I would never see you again.  I feel in my heart for this to be true.  And it hurts.  A lot.

I have to let all this go.  It is hurting me too much inside.  I feel that what is important to me, is not important to you.  And that is ok ... I just have to let you go.

I have to trust that you will be ok and as hard as it will be, at times I will have to tell you no. 

No, I can't help you.

No, I can't babysit for you.

Not because I really can't or because I don't want to - but for you to respect me.  Because right now, I don't feel respected.

I feel ... used, abused, walked over, taken advantage of ... and those are not good feelings.

I don't want to be your mom anymore.  And if doing so, it means that we are nothing else, then so be it.

You will be ok without me.