A letter to my sister

Dear sister,

I am sorry I can't be the sister you need me to be.  You see, ever since you were 12 years old, I acted as your mom.  Our mom was mentally ill - something that I can say out loud now - and I took on the mom role.  I don't know how not to be your mom now.

Mom died 2 years ago and I will never forget that you told me that you felt like your sister died.  Which left me thinking ... what am I then?

You are a free spirit and that is something that I envy.  Why? Because I guess I am too responsible.  Too mommy'ish?  I don't know.

I love you and I want nothing but the best for you.

I feel pushed aside when you chose to hide stuff from me. 

I am good enough to help you but not good enough to be your friend?

A friend keeps telling me I have to do things differently if I want different results.

If you could live without my help, I am afraid I would never see you again.  I feel in my heart for this to be true.  And it hurts.  A lot.

I have to let all this go.  It is hurting me too much inside.  I feel that what is important to me, is not important to you.  And that is ok ... I just have to let you go.

I have to trust that you will be ok and as hard as it will be, at times I will have to tell you no. 

No, I can't help you.

No, I can't babysit for you.

Not because I really can't or because I don't want to - but for you to respect me.  Because right now, I don't feel respected.

I feel ... used, abused, walked over, taken advantage of ... and those are not good feelings.

I don't want to be your mom anymore.  And if doing so, it means that we are nothing else, then so be it.

You will be ok without me.

Love,
Me

Here I go ...

Here I go, changing this sucker again ... not even sure if anyone reads it but here it goes ...

I fluctuate between this need to bare my soul and then an even stronger need to protect myself ... 

Maybe one day I will be able to truly say here what I want to say without worrying about who reads it and how they will take it ...

In the meantime, only change I did besides the background, fonts is the title ... now is just called "Odette's Corner" ... however I am still the mom to the best kid in the Universe ... I will be forever thankful for him 

It's been a while ...

It's been a while since I blogged ... but today my heart aches ...

 

It aches for a friend and his son.  His son is 19 years.  And they got some not-so-good news regarding his son's health.

 

He is very private and I don't want to tell his business.  I am just asking you ... yeah you, the one that is reading this right now ... to say a prayer for him. 

 

Thank you.

 

Me

 

Not Guilty

Casey Anthony's case came to an end today.

 

She was found not guilty.

 

  I understand the verdict because of those three words ... beyond reasonable doubt.

 

 

 

Not guilty does not equal innocent.

 

 

 

 

RIP Caylee Marie

The boys @ the beach

6-24-2011, Cocoa Beach, FL

-*- 2 years -*-

... 6-24-2011 ... that date marked 2 years since mom passed away ...

I have been dealing with a lots of ups and downs lately.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  Ironically how one feels guilty for not blogging.  Weird.

Dad is back with me.  He moved back in January of this year.  It has not been easy.  My garage looks like something from the tv show "Hoarders" ... not a pretty sight.  He has been dealing with bouts of depression, understandably so.  And thankfully, he listened to my advice and went to see a counselor.

My son is doing good - thanks for asking ;-)  He started orthodontic treatment in the month of May and now has upper and lower expander.  I have him in summer camp at the same day care where he used to go when he was a baby.  It is also a big help that it is right across the street from my office.

We have some changes at work and well, when you work for the government, is good that you don't get too attached to sides 'cause you never know who you will be working with in a year or two.  I am a believer that change always brings something good.  So I am looking forward to the changes that are coming.

Like I wrote at the beginning, on Friday June 24th, it was 2 years since mom passed away.  I can say that a day does not go by in which I don't think about her.  Not a day.  I took that day off and went to the beach with my dad and the boys.  My dad went to buy flowers to throw them at sea and well, they were wrongly marked and well, the flowers ended up being free.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And well, the beach is one of my mom's favorite places to be.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The waves were a bit rough but the kids had a ball.

The next day we went to Mass and it would have been one that she would have truly enjoyed, with lively music and all of us there together.  I could just see her dressed up, with all her jewelry and clapping as she sang away.

I will never understand why she was taken away from us while she still had so much to live.  I know that she was in a lot of pain.  And she didn't deserve it.  No one does.

I would like to think that she watches over us and she is in a better place, with those that left before us, without pain, without suffering.

Mom's Orchids

Face in the Sky

Yesterday was the 24th of the month.  My mom passed away on a 24th. 

 

Yesterday I had someone come and visit me in my office.  It's one of my employees.  Her son passed away not long after my mom.  He was in his 30's.  You are expected to bury your parents.  Is not natural to bury your son. 

 

Back to her visit ... she wanted to show me some pictures.  It was pictures of the day her son remains (he was cremated, like my mom) were thrown out at sea.  His favorite beach, somewhere here in Florida.  She explained that after the ceremony they did, as she was walking back, she was looking at the sky.  And then she noticed it.  She told me she called her daughter to get pictures of the sky.

 

She showed me some pictures first.  In it distinctively you can see three colors - red, blue, green - against a cloud.  They looked a bit like a prism, kind of blending in with the blue from the sky and the whiteness of the clouds.

 

Then she showed me some other pictures, where her daughter zoomed in on the colors.  And then, I saw it too.

 

A face in the sky.

 

My hairs stood on end.  My visitor smiled at my reaction.  "You saw him too."  She said that seeing that on that day, re-assured her that her son was ok.  He was with angels.  And for me, seeing this angel on this picture on that day, a 24th, re-assured me that, mom is ok too.

The Wedding Band

Yesterday afternoon, my neighbor texted me - "can you come outside for a second" - strange text, but I was home and well, I went outside.  He asked me if I lost something, I told him "not that I know of" and he goes, "well, we found this ring, in your yard" ... and he showed me a ring, a wedding band. 

 

My dad's wedding band.

 

I took it, looked inside and sure enough, it said "Con Amor, Elsa  23-8-69" (= with love Elsa and their wedding date) ... "yep, that's my dad ring for sure" I said ... and I went inside my house to ask my dad if he lost something ... I knew he raked leaves earlier, so I figured he lost it then ...

 

I went to my dad's room and I asked him if he lost something.  He looked puzzled.  I asked again and he got up from his chair and came closer to me as I opened my hand and the ring was laying inside.

 

He looked at me.  He looked at the ring.  He took the ring in his hand and looked at it again.  He looked inside and it was like if he had seen a ghost.  He dropped it on his desk as if the ring was a burning coal.  He looked at me and stuttered as he asked how, what, where, when ... then he said "that ring has been lost for 5 if not 6 years."

 

W O W

 

To say he was overjoyed is an understatement.  To him, this is not just a lost ring.  To him, this is a message from mom, that no matter what, they will be together, their marriage has not been affected by her untimely death.  Those were pretty much his words.

 

Words that sounded pretty romantic, nostalgic in a sense.  And at the same time, sad words.  The reality is, mom is not here anymore ... and my dad, he is not that old ... who said it is wrong for him to move on?  It doesn't mean that he didn't love my mother, that he didn't do everything under the sun to take care of her.  And she is no longer here with us.  And I know he hasn't been able to move past her death.  I can tell.

 

So I don't know what to do.  Mom is like the white elephant in the room.  He just doesn't talk to me about it.  Neither do I.  Am I over her death?  I don't know.  I miss her, I can tell you that.  At the same time, I have a little one that looks up to me so I just had to do like that little engine that could ... I think I can I think I can .... and I shugged along. 

 

I just hope that finding this ring will not turn into a curse instead of a blessing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It marks the beginning of the Lent season.  This season is a very special one as by the end of it, the Saturday before Easter, the kiddo gets baptized, confirmed and will be doing his first communion.  All three.

We attended Mass today with my sister and her son.  The kids adore each other, they are like brothers.  Well, "brudders" like my nephew says it.  So needless to say, keeping a straight face during this Mass was quiet a challenge.

I personally enjoyed telling my son about the Mass and what is going on.  The best part was when the priest was blessing the bread and the wine ... my nephew busted out with a "WOW!, that's amazing!" ... and the people around us squirmed a bit, shushing him ... but you know what?  He IS right!  WOW!  It is amazing and mind blowing to realize the miracle we are witnessing right then and there in front of us.

As we walked outside and I looked at everyone that was there I realized that we all look different, come from different backgrounds, speak different languages ... yet we all shared that ash cross on our foreheads.  It made me think that even if I feel alone, I am not alone ... and that is a comforting thought.

Random Updates

• I went to seek counsel from a second attorney.  They gave me something that the first one didn't give me.  Hope.  So I hired them.  I feel at peace with this decision.
• Work is crazy.  I think of my job as a well-oiled machine and sometimes we just have to put a little bit more oil on the joints.  It keeps me on my toes.
• Kiddo is doing great in school.  His grades are all A's and he is at a 3rd grade reading level and he is still in 2nd grade.  Needless to say, momma proud.
• I treated myself to a Kindle.  Me loves it.  Lots.  Reading is a part of mine that I missed.
• Pops is home.  It's a work in progress this thing of all of us adjusting at being in each other spaces.  We'll be ok.
• Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday.  It represents the beginning of the Lent Season and a very important step in kiddo's religious journey.  From here on out, it will be intense.  And by Easter he will be baptized, confirmed and he will celebrate his first communion.  Needless to say, momma is happy and anxious.

Appointments

I went yesterday to meet with a lawyer.  I burst in tears once I got back in my van.  I felt like a number ... next!  Like he was just rushing me and basically told me that my best option was to let the house go into foreclosure, just file for bankruptcy, save money and then move.

 

I am not ok with that option.  I don't think my situation is that bad.  I have heard horror stories in which, after all, the people are able to keep their homes.  So that is what I am aiming for.

 

I have called my bank through out the day today with no luck since their system is down. 

 

And I feel that I can't just sit and wait, I have to do something.

 

So I am meeting with another lawyer from another law firm tomorrow afternoon.

 

And we'll see....

Home

There is something very, very personal that I have been debating whether to blog about it or not.

Life is funny, you know?  I am like, the best person that you can pick to see all the positives in your life, to push you in the right direction, to make you feel that everything will be alright.

I can't do it for myself.

I found out a week or so ago that apparently they have started foreclosure procedures on my house.  My home.  

I went today to meet with a lawyer that basically told me that my best bet is to just let it go into foreclosure, save up in the meantime, and then start anew renting property.  

That is not the answer I wanted to hear.

I have been dealing with feelings of failure, not being good enough, you name it ... my rational self knows that this should not be a reflection on me as a person, a lot of people are going through hard times these days ... but then I guess what they say is true, we are our worst judge.

Tomorrow I am calling the bank again to see if there is a possibility of a loan modification.  I will also contact another law firm that deals with foreclosures and bankruptcies.  And then I guess I will have to make some hard decisions.

Miracle

Last week, at the kiddo's RCIA class, they asked if they knew the definition of a miracle.  G's hand went straight up and I looked at him thinking "what is he going to say now."  The teacher looked at me (I sit with him in these classes) and I just shrugged my shoulders, I had no idea what he was going to say.

So this is what he says ... all the time smiling 'cause he was so proud he got picked to answer first ... and he said "a miracle is when something really, really, really awesome, that never happened before, happens" and after he said that, he just smiled ... a happy, wide smile ... he was so proud of himself ... and so was I.

He is that something really really really awesome that never happened before.

N's

I went this week to meet with G's teacher for his progress report for the 2nd quarter.  His regular teacher is out on maternity leave so the teacher that he has now is a sub.  Someone that we both know because she used to be the director of the school's extended day program.  The progress report, as far as grades, it couldn't have been better ... he got all A's, is reading way above grade level (2nd quarter of third grade, he is in second grade now) and O's (O = outstanding).  He also got 4 N's (N = needs improvement) ... these are more in the social/behavior areas ... listening, working independently, etc ... and get this ... the ONLY reason he is not in the Honor Roll this quarter is because of those N's.

Now that is some crapola right there.  I thought the Honor Roll had to do with grades.  I debated with her how he is in the classroom, 'cause knowing my child, I don't think he is that much different with her than with his regular teacher.  So she said that oh she might be more strict than the other teacher.  Ironic, a sub is stricter than a regular teacher.  She writes little things on his planner, "not following directions", "not completing his classwork", etc.  And I used to really get on him ... but after this little meeting, I think the reason he got all those N's have to do more with how she is and her strictness ... so I decided that I am going to ease on him, and let him be, well, a kid.

19 months

19 months today mom ... 19 months since you died ... 19 months that make the 21 years we have been living in Florida seem like an instant ... I had no idea 19 months could feel longer than 21 years ... but they do ... and something tells me that next month is not going to feel any easier to deal with ...

I woke up stressed out ... rushing out the door ... like every other day ... that's not new ... and for a minute I forgot that today was a 24th ... I remembered when pops was asking for a candle to light next to your picture ... and my heart sank ... but I couldn't stay home much longer since I was already late for work.  Nothing new either, I am always running late.

But once I got to work and I was inside my office, it hit me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and the tears just started pouring down.  I contained myself after a while but I guess that is the curse of having a face that reflects your soul ... people knew I was not ok ... and the kind souls that they are, they understood and gave me my space.  I guess my office is my little safe haven, if these walls could talk ...

I miss you mom.  A lot.  Maybe if I dreamt of you once in a while it wouldn't hurt so much?  I don't know.  But I don't remember any dreams.  They say that you do dream every night, you just don't remember.  Well, it's been a while since I remembered any dreams.  I asked Gian once if he dreamt about you and he said yes ... you were outside and by what he describes is like a valley and you see each other and run towards each other and hug each other really really really tight.  Next time, can you all invite me to that dream?  I would like to see you and hug you too.

Punishment?

How do you punish your kid today?  In this age of "give me, give me, give me" and this sense of entitlement that they are growing up with?  

Maybe your parents didn't give you much and you are trying to compensate for what was not given to you?  Maybe they say "pretty please?", while they pout and bat those eyelashes and you just give in?  Or maybe you rationalize that life is too short and this is your kid and if you don't spoil him/her, who will?

I am guilty of giving in to those batting eyelashes.  I am guilty of rationalizing spoiling my child.  I am guilty of trying to compensate.

I am also painfully aware of this sense of entitlement that my kid is growing with.  And I am worried as to how to keep a balance.

I explained to him that the things we enjoy and need, are not free.  I work.  And I get paid for my work, therefore I also explained to him that his "job" is to go to school, behave in school and do his best in his classwork.  So when that does not get done, I have a problem with it.

Do you remember, when you were a kid, and you did something wrong in school, that the teacher would make you stand in front of the room and write a sentence over and over until you filled the blackboard?  Your hands would be white from the chalk.  You were probably coughing from all the chalk residue.  And you knew you couldn't sit down until you were done.  It didn't matter if your back hurt.  It didn't matter if your hand hurt.  That was your punishment and there was no question that you had to do what the teacher saw fit to do.  Period.  And you knew that your parents would not question the teacher's judgement.  And you knew that if your parents found out, you would have to deal with another punishment at home.

So I came up with a similar way of punishment and I am not sure if it is working completely yet.  I got a notebook and on the top of the page I write a sentence and he has to do two pages of that same sentence.  The sentence has to do with something that he did or did not do.  This week for example, it was a 3-day school week for them (no school on Monday and today Friday) so when I picked him up on Tuesday, he proudly announced he doesn't have homework to do, could he play Wii.  He got a fat NO when I read in his planner that he did not do any classwork in school.  Instead he got to writing "I will complete my classwork" over and over.

Was he happy?  No.  I explained to him that he will not get to do the things he likes to do if he doesn't do in school the things that he must do.

Did he do it?  Yes.  Did it work?  So far it seems to be working ... two straight days of him doing good in school, but we'll see what happens.  In the meantime I will make sure to keep a pencil sharpened and the notebook handy.

I am ready ... I think?

I am ready.  At least, I think I am ready. 

 

For what you may ask? 

 

For falling in love.  For feeling that "in-love" feeling again.  For feeling those butterflies in my tummy again.

 

Whoever comes along though has to understand that I come with a package.  I have a son and my dad lives with us.  Neither of them is going anywhere.  They are part of me.

 

It's been close to 5 years since my divorce.  A lot has happened in those years.  I have also learned a lot about me and what I am willing to put up with (or not). 

 

So yeah ... I think I am ready.

Merging Blogs

I decided today to merge all my blogs into one.  Sorry for the confusion.

As you were.

I know

The kiddo gets on my nerves.  Sometimes.  I am lying.  Most of the time.  More so when his reply to everything and anything I say is "I know".

Really?  At 8 years old ... YOU know?  Really?

So we are in the process of him learning to actually answer a question with one of the following three answers; yes, no or yes ma'am.  The "I know" gots to go before he gets popped in the mouth for answering back.

 

A not-so-new roommate

So now I have a not-so-new roommate now.  My dad.  

Things I have to get used to again:  his smoking, his nagging, his drinking.  I also have to get used to have fresh-brewed coffee available to me as I get dressed to get to work.  To have my van on, nice and warm by the time I walk outside.  To not having to prepare my son's lunch to school every morning.  To have food ready for me when I get home from work.

Things he has to get used to again:  my messy home, my ignoring his nagging, my walking around my house in my underwear.  He also has to get used to getting kisses and hugs every morning and night before we go to bed.  To not have to worry about whether his monies will last him a month.  To have someone to drive him around.  To not have to do the dishes anymore.

I guess depending on how I look at it I can see it as either a curse or a blessing.  Maybe is not one or the other.  Maybe it is both.  And whatever it is, we will deal with it.  I am not going anywhere.  Neither is he.  I just think that this time around, we just need to be more clear about our expectations of each other and to set more clear boundaries.  And then, we will be ok.

I remember growing up and seeing my maternal grandparents maybe once a week.  My paternal grandmother I saw her maybe once or twice a year.  And now my kid will have his grandfather pretty much 24/7.  This morning he asked me if he could go give "abuelo" a kiss.  I am sure that is priceless to my dad.  And it is to me too.  Mom left us too soon.  And I would like to think that, as we spend time with my dad, in a way, my mom is feeling those hugs, those kisses, that love.

So yeah, I have a not-so-new roomie ... and I think we will be just fine.

Kids & Self-Image

Yesterday I was with the kiddo at his RCIA class in church.  There was one exercise that had to do with, if there was one thing they could change, what would it be.  The change could be within their family, school, themselves, etc.  My son said the only change he would do was for a vacation, that he wants to go to Disney World, of course.  But other kids, specifically girls said things that had to do with themselves and it just ... it bothered me.  It was three black/mixed girls and they wanted straight hair.  That at such young age, they are even thinking of stuff like that, bothers me.  It may not sound like a big deal to some of you I am sure.  But honestly, I think it is pretty sad.

 

Enjoy your childhood, embrace yourself, love yourself as you are ... those were some of things I wanted to tell them.  Too bad their mothers were not there to tell them that it is ok.

My last weekend of freedom

This was, technically, my last weekend of freedom.  No, I am not going away nor am I getting married.  (Not yet anyway, lol)  This is my last weekend before my dad moves back in with me.  Not like he restricts me in any way but, well, I am a homebody, I like to be home.  And I particularly like being home without being TOLD what to do.

So yeah, he is moving back.  I think overall it will be a good thing for all of us, we can help each other.  We just need to work on our boundaries.  ASAP.  That's all.

Welcome 2011!

So ... here we are ... a new year ... full of possibilities ... just like a blank canvas.

2009 was harsh ... 2010 wasn't that much better ... so I am really looking forward to this year and what it has to offer.

I have had other blogs that got deleted simply because, they had too many memories, too much pain.  

This one will be about us, my kid and I.  

Yes, I am a boricua (still) single mom and I am not lying, I am a mom to the best kid in the Universe.