Sunday, June 23, 2013

Four Years

Tomorrow marks four years.  Four years since you died ma'.  I still feel like I am in a bubble when it comes to that fact.  Like it didn't happen, like it wasn't even possible ... yet it did happen.

I think of the three of us ... I am the one that has accepted it best ... pops still misses you and talks about you like you are in the next room.  Sis ... well you were the only one that truly understood her so yeah, she misses you tons.  My kid I guess is like me, he accepted it and does remember you but not like my nephew ... oh that one is just like his mother ... so dramatic.  He brings you up all the time and it makes them (pops and sis) ache and miss you even more.  

But who am I to judge them?  their pain?  I really don't.  I hope I don't come across like I do 'cause I don't.  I truly think that you are in a better place and you would not be happy to know that they haven't been able to move on from you.

I hope that what truly tells others about you is me and who I am.  Because I am the product of you.  And I hope that in doing that, people will say that I had a great mom.  Because, I truly did.

I love you.  I miss you.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

How Do You Know

How do you know when it's really over?  How do you know when that person is really over you?

It's been close to 7 years since I got divorced.  He got married soon after and they are still together.  But, how do you know?

The other night, as I was finishing watching a TV Series and I sat there, looking at my walls, the walls we painted together ... I talked to him (in my head of course, I am not crazy, LOL) ... and I asked him why .... why didn't you fight for us, for our family ... and how ... how was it so easy for you to walk away ... to leave your child ... to just immerse yourself in another life ... how?

I don't know if I will fall in love again.  I don't know if I will get married again.  My priority is my son and me.  He is my family.  I don't feel like I need to have someone by my side to complete me.  Been there, done that.

I learned that I am whole by just being me.  I learned that in order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself.  And I catch myself from time to time either humming or just smiling for no apparent reason.  And you know what that means?  I am happy.  Me! Happy!  Who knew?  LOL

And I guess that is how I know I am over it, over him .... yet by the little things he says and does ... I wonder if he is over me ... like a good friend says ... oh well ....


Monday, May 27, 2013


It's 10:14pm and I can't sleep.  Kiddo is next to me,  sleeping.  I am blogging from my phone.

I know,  I know... It's been a while since I last blogged.  Not sure if anyone reads it,  is not like I promote it a lot either.

So yeah...  43... That's my age now. Doesn't feel much different than 42 I tell you that.

Only difference between last year and this year is that I weigh 30 lbs less.   It may not be a big thing for others but it is a great deal to me.  I have much more to do in that department.  I went walking today for close to an hour and it wiped me out.  Which tells me I need to do it more often.

I need to be able to keep up with my kid!  LOL