Friday, February 26, 2010

just sharing

I have always loved to read.  I read constantly.  I receive a lot of e-mails from different inspirational sites.  A lot of times, I write down or print out what most strikes me.  And what follows is what I copied down a while ago and is basically what I look at when I am at my computer at work.  I will take a picture and post it right after this blog later.  But here it is ... just sharing:
  • live purposefully
  • give gratefully
  • love unconditionally
  • think abundantly
  • pray consistently
  • speak powerfully
  • serve willingfully
  • dream vividly
  • praise continously
  • prepare faithfully

a rose

G comes up with the sweetest remarks at the oddest times .... last night, as he was doing his homework and I was playing Bejeweled Blitz online ... he pauses and says "mami, if you were a rose, I'd pick you" :-)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

8 months

Today is 8 months since my mother died. She died on a Wednesday too. Today is Wednesday. I try to think back on that day and I can't remember much. Just remember being in a daze-like state, on automatic mode. I don't remember how I got home after I left the hospital. If I ate anything. Not even if I picked my son from school or not.
So much has happened since then. So many changes still happening in our family. My sister is moving, a bit far from what I am used to. My dad is thinking of moving on his own - he's been with me since she passed. It looks like I finally will get the promotion I have been waiting for years.
I like to think that she is up there ... smiling at how we are doing and watching over us. I like to think that she is the reason why all the pieces are falling into place for my sister. I like to think that she is somehow still keeping my dad company. I like to think that she is watching over the kids every second of every day. Their special guardian angel.
To me ... I like to think that somehow she is still in Puerto Rico, spending time with her sister and my cousins and my cousins's kids ... happy sorrounded by people that love her. A friend not long ago said she dreamt about her ... that she appeared to her in a dream and told her to tell my dad, to not worry about her ... that she found Nala (our dog) and that they were together and happy.
I miss her. A lot. I miss having my mom. Here. With me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Blessing in Disguise

This past weekend, I spent the weekend with both my son and my nephew. It was cold here in Orlando so I didn't plan much - I am still taking meds for a sinus infection and Gian was on meds too. So anyway, at some point I decided to go out and check out a few stores, just to get out of the house.
We ended up at a big Dollar Tree store over here on Colonial Drive and then we stopped at Target. I usually put G in a cart and just push him around but with both of them? No buddy, you guys are walking... and just like in any other store, G brought his DSi with him. We got a few things, pay and when I get to the van I realize, G is not holding his DSi ... of course he doesn't remember a thing and I did my best to controle myself 'cause I was pissed, big time! We went back to the store and looked and looked to no avail. I left my info at customer service ... but I just knew it was gone. Am sure someone thanked their lucky stars that night.
The word 'mad' doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. Basically $400.00 in value was gone. His dad had gotten him a memory card that had more than 50 games in it - games average a price of $20.00 - $29.99, you do the math. And then I looked at what I just bought ... and realized that every treat that I got for him, I had to return it. So we did just that ... his jaw dropped. The only words coming out of his mouth was "but, but, but ...." I mean, to those moms out there ... would it be right to give him some treats after he lost that thing?
Once I got home ... my nerves took a hold of me. I cried. Not because he lost it, but because I almost lost it and for a second, I thought about hitting me. Not spank him, hit him. And I didn't recognize myself. I got really scared that I would really hit him. But I didn't do it. He saw me crying and came over to me ... he was really upset, I mean he slept with it. LOL So I calmed him down and then I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and we could think of ways for him to earn money so he can buy a new one for himself. He asked "can I do that?" I said "of course ... you can do anything that you are determined to" ... and in that moment I realized that losing this thing, may have been a blessing in disguise. We sat down, had a family meeting and came up with some rules and some chores for him to do so he could save money. I got a big can of NesQuik, cleaned it, covered it in stickers and that is his piggy bank now. Any change he sees on the floor he grabs it and saves it. And he asks to help around the house. Nice change from the me, me, me attitude.
I spoke to his dad and he said he will make sure he has another memory card and will be giving him some money too in exchange of helping around the house too. My dad is also giving him some change here and there. So let's see how long it takes ... what I really hope is that from this he learns the value of money, take better care of his things and realize that when he puts his mind to it, he can do anything.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


This weekend was extremely interesting. It was Valentine's weekend. It was also the weekend my son lost his most prized possession. His Nintendo DSi.

We were at Target - we being him, my nephew D and yours truly. Normally I would put G in the cart but this time since I had both, I didn't. I just took a basket and walked around with the kids. And at some point, G must have seen something more interesting than his DSi and he put it down and I didn't notice and ... that is when the DSi was gone.

I will not go on as how his mother - moi - reacted to the whole thing. It will suffice to say that upset doesn't even begin to describe how his mother reacted ... but that is a story for another blog, not this one.

After we got home and we grieved the loss of such a fine member of our family, we sat down and had a family meeting. In it we discussed what could be done for him to get another one ... we came up with a list of chores in which he can earn $$$ so he can buy his own. Maybe then he will take better care of it.

So we now have a home made piggy bank and that is where he is putting all his money. How long do you think it will take for him to save enough money???


I have a thing with dates. Some dates just get kind of stuck in my head ... seriously. Does that ever happen to you???

Like tomorrow ... tomorrow is 17 years since my grandfather - my mom's dad - passed away. I called him Papa, not 'abuelo' ... just, Papa. It was 1993, three months before I graduated from college. He came to visit Christmas 1992 ... he would stay up with me while I was up late studying for finals. He was so proud. He told me many times that I would be the first grandchild that graduated from college. He was proud of me.

That Christmas, when it came time for him to leave, he was so weak that he had to be taken into the plane on a wheelchair. My mom went with him. And from that time until the time that he passed away ... every time my mom said she wanted to see her father, I sent her to PR. American Express loved me to say the least ... but if I had to do it all over again, I would, with no hesitation.

Funny how our brain functions ... up until like maybe 3 years ago I would have told you that when Papa passed away, I sent my mom with my sister to Puerto Rico for her funeral. The truth is ... I went with mom to PR. For some reason, I had blocked it out. I don't know why - I just did.

So yeah, I have a thing with dates. As I write this, my aunt - my only living aunt - is in the hospital in Puerto Rico. She is 63 yrs old. And I love her. And I miss her. Tons. Lots. Bunches. I know tomorrow is 17 yrs that Papa left this Earth - I am hoping that she doesn't get to leave any time soon. I need her.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

umbrellas & memories

The other night I went to Wal Mart with G after school. It was raining. A lot. As we were walking into the store, he goes:
G: oh mami, I remembered something!
me: what did you remembered?
G: one time, when abuela was alive, I went for a walk with her. But it wasn't raining like now, it was sunny.
me: ahhhhhh yeah, if it is really sunny, is a good idea to walk with an umbrella and that way the sun won't feel so hot on you.
G: yeah yeah ... I think that is why she did it ....
(he then stayed quiet for a minute that seemed like forever and then he said...)
G: do you miss abuela mami? I miss her a lot.
me: yeah I do, I miss her a lot too ... but how do you feel when you remember something about her, like the walk with the umbrella?
G: happy, just the same way as when she was alive ...
me: well, when you remember stuff like that ... those are memories ... and as long as we keep abuela's memories by remembering ... we won't miss her that much ...
G: that sounds like a plan mami ... I love you ....
and then he hugged me ... this conversation took place only from the parking lot to get into the store ... but the memory of this converstation is still making my heart smile ...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Love ... Cartoon Network Style

Mami, I have something to tell you.

Yes son?

I am your Chowder and you are my Panini.

Now that is LOVE ... Cartoon Network style ... lol

The Language of Letting Go

In the 2nd night of the parenting class the instructor suggested a book called "The Language of Letting Go" to another participant. It is basically meditations and is geared towards persons that are co-dependent and yeah... I think I am one of those ... or at least I have issues of co-dependency. Whatever rocks my boat, right? Anywhoooooo.... the instructor told this person to always read the current day PLUS what is written for August 17th ... and me, being that I love reading just had to get the book and well, I started reading it (and doing as I was told.)

Ironically when I commented to a friend about it she mentioned that she had it and in its time, it was of great help to her. And well, in my mind I started connecting the dots ... Paulo Coelho (one of my favorites authors) wrote in "The Alchemist" that (and don't quote me on this) when something is for you, the Universe conspires to bring it to you. I took the fact that my friend read this book as something I needed to do to ... more so when its message just sinks in the depths of my soul when I read it ... is like, the message is so important, so profound, that I have to read it more than once so it can sink in properly.

In tonight's class, she asked the participant to read the August 17th entry ... and I just don't know why but it opened the flood gates for me and through out the class, I just couldn't seem to close them back. It is just something about when something so deep is read out loud, that just touched a nerve in me. And I was seating at the front and I am sure the instructor could see me but I just kept my head down and I listened and I took notes. Notes that I promise I will be sharing here as it will be a way to remind myself and share it with others. The last thing she said, just struck such a deep chord in me that once I filled out my post-test, I got up and left, again 'cause I was crying and I didn't want her or anyone there to see me like that. She said that we are the product of our mothers ... I am my mother ... I am my mother?! ... I guess is true ... I am my mother.

In time I will decide if I really write about my mother in here or not. I do know and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. And I have nothing but love and respect for her. I understood how big her love for me and my sis was when I became a mother. So don't think that I am in any way, shape or form putting down my mother. Is just that ... I never saw or thought of myself being my mother. Period.

He's looking at you!

Ok ... I am going to go off the line of the parenting class here a bit ... just bear with me.
This weekend I went out with a friend of mine and her kid - our kids get along G.R.E.A.T. so it is actually a relief to be out with my kid but not feeling like I am 1000% in charge of making sure he has a good time ... am sure some mothers out there will agree.
Anyway, we first went to eat at The Ale House close to where we live ... and we ordered our food and drinks ... and we are joking, having a good time and all of a sudden my friend goes ... "you know, he's looking at you" ... and I am like, uh?! So I looked around and she is like "OMG, I can't believe you haven't noticed that he's flirting with you!" and I am like so totally oblivious to the whole thing, I am still saying ... "uh?!" ... So she goes and tells me to check out our waiter, every time he comes to our table, he talks to her and answers her questions but he is looking at me. And I noticed, but I didn't get it, I didn't think it was a big deal that he would look at me while talking to her ... I mean ... I just didn't get it.
Those that truly know me, know that I am not the forward type. I don't read between the lines. If you tell me ABC, I will understand ABC, not XYZ. I am pretty quiet, reserved, shy, you name it ... until I know you, then I feel safe enough to be myself. So I don't really flirt and I will rather be out with one friend doing stuff than being in a party meeting people. So when she tells me to flirt back I am like "no way!" ... but from then on I was more aware of him ... and I just ... could not believe that he was looking at me.
Some women are used to having that attention on them, they expect it, they invite it, they provoke it. I don't. So when it happens, I tend to dismiss it... and I think I need to stop doing that. It made me feel good to notice that attention. It made the woman in me, feel alive. And I liked that.