The Language of Letting Go

In the 2nd night of the parenting class the instructor suggested a book called "The Language of Letting Go" to another participant. It is basically meditations and is geared towards persons that are co-dependent and yeah... I think I am one of those ... or at least I have issues of co-dependency. Whatever rocks my boat, right? Anywhoooooo.... the instructor told this person to always read the current day PLUS what is written for August 17th ... and me, being that I love reading just had to get the book and well, I started reading it (and doing as I was told.)

Ironically when I commented to a friend about it she mentioned that she had it and in its time, it was of great help to her. And well, in my mind I started connecting the dots ... Paulo Coelho (one of my favorites authors) wrote in "The Alchemist" that (and don't quote me on this) when something is for you, the Universe conspires to bring it to you. I took the fact that my friend read this book as something I needed to do to ... more so when its message just sinks in the depths of my soul when I read it ... is like, the message is so important, so profound, that I have to read it more than once so it can sink in properly.

In tonight's class, she asked the participant to read the August 17th entry ... and I just don't know why but it opened the flood gates for me and through out the class, I just couldn't seem to close them back. It is just something about when something so deep is read out loud, that just touched a nerve in me. And I was seating at the front and I am sure the instructor could see me but I just kept my head down and I listened and I took notes. Notes that I promise I will be sharing here as it will be a way to remind myself and share it with others. The last thing she said, just struck such a deep chord in me that once I filled out my post-test, I got up and left, again 'cause I was crying and I didn't want her or anyone there to see me like that. She said that we are the product of our mothers ... I am my mother ... I am my mother?! ... I guess is true ... I am my mother.

In time I will decide if I really write about my mother in here or not. I do know and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. And I have nothing but love and respect for her. I understood how big her love for me and my sis was when I became a mother. So don't think that I am in any way, shape or form putting down my mother. Is just that ... I never saw or thought of myself being my mother. Period.

He's looking at you!

Ok ... I am going to go off the line of the parenting class here a bit ... just bear with me.

This weekend I went out with a friend of mine and her kid - our kids get along G.R.E.A.T. so it is actually a relief to be out with my kid but not feeling like I am 1000% in charge of making sure he has a good time ... am sure some mothers out there will agree.

Anyway, we first went to eat at The Ale House close to where we live ... and we ordered our food and drinks ... and we are joking, having a good time and all of a sudden my friend goes ... "you know, he's looking at you" ... and I am like, uh?! So I looked around and she is like "OMG, I can't believe you haven't noticed that he's flirting with you!" and I am like so totally oblivious to the whole thing, I am still saying ... "uh?!" ... So she goes and tells me to check out our waiter, every time he comes to our table, he talks to her and answers her questions but he is looking at me. And I noticed, but I didn't get it, I didn't think it was a big deal that he would look at me while talking to her ... I mean ... I just didn't get it.

Those that truly know me, know that I am not the forward type. I don't read between the lines. If you tell me ABC, I will understand ABC, not XYZ. I am pretty quiet, reserved, shy, you name it ... until I know you, then I feel safe enough to be myself. So I don't really flirt and I will rather be out with one friend doing stuff than being in a party meeting people. So when she tells me to flirt back I am like "no way!" ... but from then on I was more aware of him ... and I just ... could not believe that he was looking at me.

Some women are used to having that attention on them, they expect it, they invite it, they provoke it. I don't. So when it happens, I tend to dismiss it... and I think I need to stop doing that. It made me feel good to notice that attention. It made the woman in me, feel alive. And I liked that.

plop

well ... I don't even know if anyone is really reading any of this ... but I guess I felt the need to explain why I haven't continued writing about the parenting class ... I just fell into a big plop ... you know, the sound you would make if you were a cartoon character when you fall? yeah, plop!

I am just in the middle of a plop right now ... is not easy having my dad live with us ... what would be my "me time" it just tends to ... poof ... disappear into thin air ... and before I know it, days pass, weeks pass ... let's just say I am glad I am not mandated by court to take that class, I would have so failed ... so yeah, I intend to put in writing all the things discussed and I also intend to, little by little, incorporate all those things into my life ... it just takes time ... thanks for listening/reading ...