43

It's 10:14pm and I can't sleep.  Kiddo is next to me,  sleeping.  I am blogging from my phone.

I know,  I know... It's been a while since I last blogged.  Not sure if anyone reads it,  is not like I promote it a lot either.

So yeah...  43... That's my age now. Doesn't feel much different than 42 I tell you that.

Only difference between last year and this year is that I weigh 30 lbs less.   It may not be a big thing for others but it is a great deal to me.  I have much more to do in that department.  I went walking today for close to an hour and it wiped me out.  Which tells me I need to do it more often.

I need to be able to keep up with my kid!  LOL

I feel like my heart breaks

Every time I have a fight with my kid.  He is only nine years old but jeez ... I feel like I have to repeat myself each and every time I talk to him.

And he stares at me, with those big green eyes and I just want to scream ... at myself mostly ... 'cause I should be the one person that doesn't bring him pain ... but most of the time ... is like I can't help myself ....

Why?

I really don't know.  I try to remember if my mom screamed at us the way I scream at my kid ... I don't remember.  I do know she didn't have to tell me stuff more than once and I feel like a broken record sometimes.

I feel that at his age, I should be able to trust him when it comes to his homework, etc .... well, apparently I can't as last week I got an e-mail from his teacher stating she was concerned about him and his work ... what was the most stressful thing going in his life last week?  Well, he couldn't find his 3DS ... really ... that was it!

So yeah ... right now I feel like the worst mom in the world ... and I feel like crying but what can I fix with that ....  sighs ....

I. Matter.

Recently I began to see a counselor. I decided to finally talk about something that happened to me when I was a child.

I was molested.

Last night was a rough session.

Bottom line is, I matter. So many things are probably tied in to that incident. The fact that growing up I was labeled as moody and referred to as vinegar. How my male friends saw me more as an equal than a girl. My disorted self-image. My need to be able to control.

It is a process. And one of the first things I need to acknowledge is that I matter.

I do.