8 months

Today is 8 months since my mother died. She died on a Wednesday too. Today is Wednesday. I try to think back on that day and I can't remember much. Just remember being in a daze-like state, on automatic mode. I don't remember how I got home after I left the hospital. If I ate anything. Not even if I picked my son from school or not.

So much has happened since then. So many changes still happening in our family. My sister is moving, a bit far from what I am used to. My dad is thinking of moving on his own - he's been with me since she passed. It looks like I finally will get the promotion I have been waiting for years.

I like to think that she is up there ... smiling at how we are doing and watching over us. I like to think that she is the reason why all the pieces are falling into place for my sister. I like to think that she is somehow still keeping my dad company. I like to think that she is watching over the kids every second of every day. Their special guardian angel.

To me ... I like to think that somehow she is still in Puerto Rico, spending time with her sister and my cousins and my cousins's kids ... happy sorrounded by people that love her. A friend not long ago said she dreamt about her ... that she appeared to her in a dream and told her to tell my dad, to not worry about her ... that she found Nala (our dog) and that they were together and happy.

I miss her. A lot. I miss having my mom. Here. With me.

Change

I am working on changing the way I look at life. When I got into one of my moods as kid/teenager, my dad's pet name for me was "Vinagre" (= vinegar) ... that should give you a hint as how pleasant I was perceived as ... [that last sentence said with a very very sarcastic tone]

I recently started reading a book that I bought six months ago. It's called "The First 30 Days" by Ariane De Bonvoisin. (@clickariane on Twitter and her site is www.first30days.com) The book is basically about the one word that I would use to describe 2009 for me ... change. I guess because of all the changes is why it took me six months to start it? I don't know. I only know is that I feel that I am reading it now because now is when I am meant to read it.

I have always believed that things happen for a reason, even though we may never understand the reason why it happened in the first place. At the same time, I have always been a little more on the pesimistic side when it comes to me and the things that happen to me. I can see the glass half full for everyone else and their mother ... but not me.

So that is what I am working on at this time ... in looking for the positive ... in keeping an optimistic outlook ... and is not easy, but dang, it can't be impossible, can it?