How Do You Know

How do you know when it's really over?  How do you know when that person is really over you?

It's been close to 7 years since I got divorced.  He got married soon after and they are still together.  But, how do you know?

The other night, as I was finishing watching a TV Series and I sat there, looking at my walls, the walls we painted together ... I talked to him (in my head of course, I am not crazy, LOL) ... and I asked him why .... why didn't you fight for us, for our family ... and how ... how was it so easy for you to walk away ... to leave your child ... to just immerse yourself in another life ... how?

I don't know if I will fall in love again.  I don't know if I will get married again.  My priority is my son and me.  He is my family.  I don't feel like I need to have someone by my side to complete me.  Been there, done that.

I learned that I am whole by just being me.  I learned that in order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself.  And I catch myself from time to time either humming or just smiling for no apparent reason.  And you know what that means?  I am happy.  Me! Happy!  Who knew?  LOL

And I guess that is how I know I am over it, over him .... yet by the little things he says and does ... I wonder if he is over me ... like a good friend says ... oh well ....

--

~ElsaOdette

43

It's 10:14pm and I can't sleep.  Kiddo is next to me,  sleeping.  I am blogging from my phone.

I know,  I know... It's been a while since I last blogged.  Not sure if anyone reads it,  is not like I promote it a lot either.

So yeah...  43... That's my age now. Doesn't feel much different than 42 I tell you that.

Only difference between last year and this year is that I weigh 30 lbs less.   It may not be a big thing for others but it is a great deal to me.  I have much more to do in that department.  I went walking today for close to an hour and it wiped me out.  Which tells me I need to do it more often.

I need to be able to keep up with my kid!  LOL

I feel like my heart breaks

Every time I have a fight with my kid.  He is only nine years old but jeez ... I feel like I have to repeat myself each and every time I talk to him.

And he stares at me, with those big green eyes and I just want to scream ... at myself mostly ... 'cause I should be the one person that doesn't bring him pain ... but most of the time ... is like I can't help myself ....

Why?

I really don't know.  I try to remember if my mom screamed at us the way I scream at my kid ... I don't remember.  I do know she didn't have to tell me stuff more than once and I feel like a broken record sometimes.

I feel that at his age, I should be able to trust him when it comes to his homework, etc .... well, apparently I can't as last week I got an e-mail from his teacher stating she was concerned about him and his work ... what was the most stressful thing going in his life last week?  Well, he couldn't find his 3DS ... really ... that was it!

So yeah ... right now I feel like the worst mom in the world ... and I feel like crying but what can I fix with that ....  sighs ....