Sunday, July 12, 2009

~ My Mom ~

the following is a copy of what I just posted on Multiply ... is the first time that I write about my mom and her passing

I just re-read my very last post here on Multiply - it was written on September 2008... yup, it's been that long since I have been here, can you believe it?

Well, for those of you that do not know (since I basically live on Facebook now, lol) ... my mom passed away almost 3 weeks ago - June 24, 2009

She had just gotten home on Father's Day (6/21/09) from being in Puerto Rico for 3 weeks - she said she wanted to go say goodbye to her family over there ... I told her to stop bs'ing me, that I knew she would bury us all with that pacemaker in her heart ... little did I know that she would leave us so soon

I really haven't written too much about it except for status msgs on FB 'cause that was my way of communicating with those that already knew ... and even though I love FB and how I can have everyone (or almost everyone) that I know in there, at the same time, I have to continually watch what I say since I have family in there (including my cousins's kids), co-workers, etc

So I am here - venting...

... while mom was in PR, I talked to her every other day and boy was she having a ball! She was truly happy with her sister and my cousins (+ their kids = over 15 persons altogether) ... I still have to talk more to my auntie and my cousins to find out how those last 3 weeks really were but I heard she was teaching them how to knit, she told one of my cousins's kid that she lives in the castle at Magic Kingdom (lol, that kid was in awe after that!), she went bowling ... she lived -- not that she didn't live here but with us, she was at ease to complain, etc -- but is like she knew what was going to happen ... she arrived on 6/21/09 in the afternoon, my dad was happy to have her back home and I came to meet them, spent some time with her and when I went to say goodbye, she was already in bed, under 4 blankets and she was so cold ... so so cold ... I should have seen it coming that night, but I didn't.

... Monday 6/22/09 I was rushing, had a meeting in the morning at another site and then I found out that my dad was taking my mom to the clinic because her blood pressure was really low ... didn't think nothing of it since it had turned into a routine by now, her ups and downs with her health ... I still have saved on my cell her message telling me that they sent her to the hospital from the clinic ... I can't bring myself to erase it, just to hear her voice one more time! ... that Monday I didn't make it to the hospital but my sis did and was with her for over 4-5 hrs

... Tuesday I talked to her a few times and she sounded good... I sneaked out of work an hour earlier, got Gian from the daycare and went to the hospital, I was there for about 2 hrs... they had her with oxygen and her blood pressure was still low (84/50 more or less) ... we talked about her visit to PR, how she was a bit hurt that some of her friends didn't go to see her and I remember telling her that she saw who she was meant to see, no more, no less ... and she just told me her usual answer ... 'uh-hum' (damn how that answer used to get on my nerves, lol) ... I left at 6'ish already planning to come visit her the next day... there never really was a next day

... Wednesday morning at 5:45am I got a call from my dad - your mom went into cardiac arrest, I am on my way to the hospital - and the very first thought I had was that, if mom died, I just had to bring my dad to live with me ... then I just looked at myself in the mirror and wondered... why am I thinking about this now? and then I paced, and paced... I didn't know what to do, who to call, etc ... I called my sis and told her about dad's call and then I went into automatic mode ... I got Gian's lunch ready, got the kid up and ready for daycare and on my way there, I called my boss and a couple of co-workers ... got to the hospital, found my dad and my sis and when I went to see her I was shocked... she was swollen and her belly was super huge... her heart, even with the pacemaker, was not pumping enough to help the body get rid of that extra liquid, hence the huge belly .... her blood pressure was low and kept decreasing even though she was at the max of meds to increase her blood pressure ... she was on a ventilator ... I could not look at her and not cry ... and I didn't want her to hear me cry, you know? ... to make a long story short, she wasn't responding... and then we talked amongst ourselves, my sis and I drilling my dad for info as to what were her wishes, etc .... and he said she didn't want to be hooked up to machines, that she didn't want to suffer, that she didn't want a viewing, that she just wanted to be cremated and for her ashes to be taken to a beach in PR, Buyé.

... and then it turned into making sure her wishes were granted... we informed the doctors and they asked us if we wanted to be with her at the time of her passing and it was a no-brainer, we said yes --- deep down I knew that she would do the same thing had any of us were in that position ... originally my dad did not want to be there, but because my sis and I were going to be there, then he wanted to be there with us ... they told us to wait outside while they unhooked her and then they called us in ... we each talked to her and said our good-bye's ... and by 1pm she was gone ... it was the hardest thing I had ever had to witness, that I had ever had to do

... my dad just moved in with me this weekend - there is still a lot of stuff in the apartment but we all felt that for his emotional health, is better if he was here... my sis helped us a lot, somehow she has turned into the oldest sister because now I feel like she is making sure I am ok...

... there are 3 things that give me comfort... # 1 - we very well could have lost her on 11/03/07 when her heart stopped beating but we didn't, we had her for almost 2 more years - even though they were full of pain for her, she got to enjoy her grandsons for a little bit longer ... #2, she didn't suffer more than she had to, and #3, she didn't die alone

... I just wish I had more time to hug her and tell her that I love her even though I know she knows ... I have a hard time crying and I feel bad, thinking that I should cry more, etc ... but I guess this grieving process is different for everyone ... I can't bring myself to cry with my dad or my sis or my kid, I feel like I have to be strong in front of them... then again, is my kid the one that told me something that shut me up ... "mami, why are you crying? you know abuela is up in Heaven and she is with Papa Dios in His House, right? isn't it good that she is there with God and she is not in pain anymore? and she is with Nala (our dog that died last year) so she is not alone? isn't all that good?" .... and I just had to say "yes papi, you are right, you are so right ... it is all good"

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