Tuesday, November 24, 2009

5 months

Today marks five months since my mom passed away.  I still feel kind of numb about it.  I feel like I have not mourned her properly.  Maybe this feeling stems from not having what I call a traditional funeral.  We didn't have a wake or a viewing.  She was cremated and then her ashes were blessed at a memorial mass.  Then my dad went alone to Puerto Rico to spread her ashes.  And that was it... and then we move on ... because life goes on.  It waits for no one.  Clothes still have to be washed.  Kid still has to go to school and homework has to be done.  I still had to go to work ... etc etc etc
But ... what do I do with this numbness?  with this feeling like I haven't mourned enough?  is it ever enough?  what do I do with the tears that fill up my eyes yet don't spill on my cheeks?  when do I tell myself that it is ok to move on? and how do I move on?  The only thing that I have done since she passed is do what I have to do.  And maybe, just maybe ... that is enough for now. 
One of my last conversations with her, I apologized for being rude - yeah, I have a short fuse - and she said "what do I have to forgive you for?  you are my first born, my first love ... there is nothing to forgive ... I love you and understand who and how you are ..."  so maybe this is what I have to do to handle all these conflicting emotions and should have's, could have's, would have's ... hold on to that last conversation 'cause in there, she said everything ...

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