2016

again ... it's been a while ... I guess I should give up trying to be consistent with this blog thing ... for some reason I can't bring myself to just delete it so it's here ...

2016 marks a lot of different things but the most important one, for me, is that it marks 10 years since my divorce ... 7/18/2006... and I think is time ... it's time for a lot of things but the main one is that I need to get unstuck ... I feel stuck in my life ... I turn 46 this year too ... every year as I get older it brings me closer to the age that my mom had when she died ... and me still being overweight, on meds, etc ... scares me ... so here I am, again doing what worked for me a few years ago, Herbalife ... and no, I am not signing up or anything like that, it just worked for me in the past and I am giving it my all ... I am standing up for me in so many levels is not even funny ... I just feel like I am done with a lot of the non-sense out there

'til next time, me

Packing

I am into a de cluttering mode.  And it's not easy to do.  I thought I wasn't attached to my things but,  I guess I am.  And it's not a good thing.  To be this attached.

Tonight I sniffled as I packed a box full of dresses that I have not worn at all or just wore once.  None of those dresses had any sentimental value.  Yet,  it made me sad.

I think as I continue to go through this process, it will get easier.  At least,  that's my hope.

Mantras on my calendar

Every month, when I tear out last month's calendar page, I write out my mantras on the "Notes" side of the page.  Here they are.  I have them written in English and Spanish.  The Spanish ones, they are my original ones, they came to mind when I least expected them. My humble translation is written right after. The English ones, I got them from stuff that I read.  Enjoy!

• No eres como todo el mundo, no te midas por otras personas, se justa contigo misma, amate, date tu lugar y se feliz.  (You are not like everybody else, don't measure yourself by comparing yourself to others, be fair with yourself, love yourself, claim your place and be happy.)

• Tu puedes bregar con todo esto.  (You can deal with all this.)

• Ve todo lo que te pase como oportunidades para tu bien.  (See everything that happens to you as opportunities for your own good.)

• No estas deprimida, estas distraida.  (You are not depressed, you are distracted.)

• I am the luckiest person alive!

• Esto tambien va a pasar - confia!  (This too will pass, trust!)

• This is it!

Thanksgiving 2014

... any reason for a family to get together is a good reason ...

So it's Thanksgiving and we are doing it at my house.  This year, for whatever reason, it just didn't get planned in advance like in the past.  And last night, my dad almost had a fit about it.  And I told him that the holidays shouldn't be a source of tension and stress.  Ever since mom passed, holidays just doesn't feel the same, and I know he misses her and I think he is still not over her passing and whether he wants to admit it or not, he takes it out on us.  And mostly on my kid and me, since he lives with us.  But I digress.  So my sister was home last night when this conversation happened with him so she suggested for us to just decide there what we were going to do and if we needed to get something, just get it, so we did.

And we were in Publix, with no rhyme or reason, jumping from one aisle to another when all of a sudden, I see this woman and she is staring at me.  And then we both smiled, big, wide smiles!  It was Zenaida.  When I first started working with the County, I started working with the Head Start program and she was one of my favorite Head Start parents.  I know you shouldn't mix work with your personal life but sometimes, it just happens.  And from being my clients they turned into very good friends.  "They" of course because there is no Zenaida without Ruben, and of course he was there too and it just made me so happy to see them both!  We exchanged numbers and Facebook information and we promised to seek each other out.  And by the end of the night, I was assured in my heart, once again, that there are no coincidences.  Oh and by the way, that Head Start baby, her son, is 24 yrs old now and getting married next month.

Fast forward to today ... my sister cooked, so did my dad and don't worry about me, I am in charge of cleaning up (there are still some stuff waiting for me in the kitchen as I type this, shhhhh.)  And now we are just together, watching TV.  The kids are restless because we have them watching a movie.  And the dog is on my lap, all 52 lbs of him ...yeah, Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Another Saturday night ...

Kiddo goes with his dad every other weekend.  This is his weekend with his dad.  So is my weekend kid-free.  But is not totally free.  My dad lives with us plus now we have the dog.  So it doesn't feel like a free-weekend unless I go out.  And here I am, another Saturday night, and I am home.  Again.

I never did get the knack of dating.  I didn't go out when I was a teenager.  I was "the responsible one".

And being "the responsible one" now means that I don't bring my child around someone that might not be there in the long run and/or someone that I don't want him to meet, period.  I may, will go out with them and stuff, but not around my kid.  Which means I technically only have two nights or so, per month, to do this.

And tonight is one of those nights, and I am home.  Again.

Being the responsible one feels so lonely sometimes.

... four months into 2014 ...

So it has been four months into this year, 2014 ... before I know it school will be over and my son will be done with 5th grade.  Where did the time go?  He is growing so fast in front of my eyes is not even funny.  And I intend to enjoy every little time that I get to spend with him.  He will go with his dad this weekend and I will, once again, try to figure out what to do with my time...

In December 2013 we got a dog - a lab/pit mix from Puerto Rico.  His name is Thor.  And it seems that he has been with us forever.  He is my dad's companion and he is a hit with the kids.  I have to admit, he is a hit with me too.  He is just too cute and funny and active.  Too active for me at times but hey ... it is what it is.  He is not really trained ... when people ask me I say that he is training us real well.  And they laugh, and so do I.

My dad still lives with us.  He makes sure to keep the grass and plants alive and I am grateful for that.  I am not usually the green thumb kind of gal.  But he likes that and it keeps him occupied.  We don't really talk much about mom but I think, I feel that he is not over her death.  I really wish that he would do something more than just stay at home, not because he needs the money but because it will open the door for him to interact with other people besides family and neighbors.

And me ... well I am trying to have a life while handling everything else ... next month is my birthday ... I turn 44 years old ... funny I don't feel a day over 26 ... lol

My first 5k in 5 years

Last Thursday I completed my first 5k in five years.  I finished it in 58 minutes I think, let's round it up to one hour.  There were 18,000 registered.  It was a sea of people.  I went with some friends from work and I have to say, it was an experience.  The one person that I thought would not stick with me, ended up being the one that stuck with me until the very end.  During parts of it we ran and I honestly thought I was going to pass out.  But I didn't.  And we did run to the finish line.  

I am not there yet, but thank God I am not where I used to be!

IOA Corporate 5K

Today I am participating in the IOA Corporate 5K here in Orlando.  I did a 5K five years ago in honor of my mom and I told myself that I would continue to do them and ... plop ... didn't do them again ...

So I have been carrying a bit of guilt on that department for a while ... and when we got the e-mail at work about this 5K I was like, why not?  At least now I am 30 lbs less than five years ago ... how bad can it be?

And my plan is to continue to sign up for 5K's and I think that will motivate me to continue walking on a daily basis as I participate in these events.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I know it's been a while since I wrote ... I guess I have been dealing with a lot lately ... but I am good ... I am here!

Four Years

Tomorrow marks four years.  Four years since you died ma'.  I still feel like I am in a bubble when it comes to that fact.  Like it didn't happen, like it wasn't even possible ... yet it did happen.

I think of the three of us ... I am the one that has accepted it best ... pops still misses you and talks about you like you are in the next room.  Sis ... well you were the only one that truly understood her so yeah, she misses you tons.  My kid I guess is like me, he accepted it and does remember you but not like my nephew ... oh that one is just like his mother ... so dramatic.  He brings you up all the time and it makes them (pops and sis) ache and miss you even more.  

But who am I to judge them?  their pain?  I really don't.  I hope I don't come across like I do 'cause I don't.  I truly think that you are in a better place and you would not be happy to know that they haven't been able to move on from you.

I hope that what truly tells others about you is me and who I am.  Because I am the product of you.  And I hope that in doing that, people will say that I had a great mom.  Because, I truly did.

I love you.  I miss you.

How Do You Know

How do you know when it's really over?  How do you know when that person is really over you?

It's been close to 7 years since I got divorced.  He got married soon after and they are still together.  But, how do you know?

The other night, as I was finishing watching a TV Series and I sat there, looking at my walls, the walls we painted together ... I talked to him (in my head of course, I am not crazy, LOL) ... and I asked him why .... why didn't you fight for us, for our family ... and how ... how was it so easy for you to walk away ... to leave your child ... to just immerse yourself in another life ... how?

I don't know if I will fall in love again.  I don't know if I will get married again.  My priority is my son and me.  He is my family.  I don't feel like I need to have someone by my side to complete me.  Been there, done that.

I learned that I am whole by just being me.  I learned that in order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself.  And I catch myself from time to time either humming or just smiling for no apparent reason.  And you know what that means?  I am happy.  Me! Happy!  Who knew?  LOL

And I guess that is how I know I am over it, over him .... yet by the little things he says and does ... I wonder if he is over me ... like a good friend says ... oh well ....

--

~ElsaOdette

43

It's 10:14pm and I can't sleep.  Kiddo is next to me,  sleeping.  I am blogging from my phone.

I know,  I know... It's been a while since I last blogged.  Not sure if anyone reads it,  is not like I promote it a lot either.

So yeah...  43... That's my age now. Doesn't feel much different than 42 I tell you that.

Only difference between last year and this year is that I weigh 30 lbs less.   It may not be a big thing for others but it is a great deal to me.  I have much more to do in that department.  I went walking today for close to an hour and it wiped me out.  Which tells me I need to do it more often.

I need to be able to keep up with my kid!  LOL

I feel like my heart breaks

Every time I have a fight with my kid.  He is only nine years old but jeez ... I feel like I have to repeat myself each and every time I talk to him.

And he stares at me, with those big green eyes and I just want to scream ... at myself mostly ... 'cause I should be the one person that doesn't bring him pain ... but most of the time ... is like I can't help myself ....

Why?

I really don't know.  I try to remember if my mom screamed at us the way I scream at my kid ... I don't remember.  I do know she didn't have to tell me stuff more than once and I feel like a broken record sometimes.

I feel that at his age, I should be able to trust him when it comes to his homework, etc .... well, apparently I can't as last week I got an e-mail from his teacher stating she was concerned about him and his work ... what was the most stressful thing going in his life last week?  Well, he couldn't find his 3DS ... really ... that was it!

So yeah ... right now I feel like the worst mom in the world ... and I feel like crying but what can I fix with that ....  sighs ....

I. Matter.

Recently I began to see a counselor. I decided to finally talk about something that happened to me when I was a child.

I was molested.

Last night was a rough session.

Bottom line is, I matter. So many things are probably tied in to that incident. The fact that growing up I was labeled as moody and referred to as vinegar. How my male friends saw me more as an equal than a girl. My disorted self-image. My need to be able to control.

It is a process. And one of the first things I need to acknowledge is that I matter.

I do.

A letter to my sister

Dear sister,

I am sorry I can't be the sister you need me to be.  You see, ever since you were 12 years old, I acted as your mom.  Our mom was mentally ill - something that I can say out loud now - and I took on the mom role.  I don't know how not to be your mom now.

Mom died 2 years ago and I will never forget that you told me that you felt like your sister died.  Which left me thinking ... what am I then?

You are a free spirit and that is something that I envy.  Why? Because I guess I am too responsible.  Too mommy'ish?  I don't know.

I love you and I want nothing but the best for you.

I feel pushed aside when you chose to hide stuff from me. 

I am good enough to help you but not good enough to be your friend?

A friend keeps telling me I have to do things differently if I want different results.

If you could live without my help, I am afraid I would never see you again.  I feel in my heart for this to be true.  And it hurts.  A lot.

I have to let all this go.  It is hurting me too much inside.  I feel that what is important to me, is not important to you.  And that is ok ... I just have to let you go.

I have to trust that you will be ok and as hard as it will be, at times I will have to tell you no. 

No, I can't help you.

No, I can't babysit for you.

Not because I really can't or because I don't want to - but for you to respect me.  Because right now, I don't feel respected.

I feel ... used, abused, walked over, taken advantage of ... and those are not good feelings.

I don't want to be your mom anymore.  And if doing so, it means that we are nothing else, then so be it.

You will be ok without me.

Love,
Me

Here I go ...

Here I go, changing this sucker again ... not even sure if anyone reads it but here it goes ...

I fluctuate between this need to bare my soul and then an even stronger need to protect myself ... 

Maybe one day I will be able to truly say here what I want to say without worrying about who reads it and how they will take it ...

In the meantime, only change I did besides the background, fonts is the title ... now is just called "Odette's Corner" ... however I am still the mom to the best kid in the Universe ... I will be forever thankful for him 

It's been a while ...

It's been a while since I blogged ... but today my heart aches ...

 

It aches for a friend and his son.  His son is 19 years.  And they got some not-so-good news regarding his son's health.

 

He is very private and I don't want to tell his business.  I am just asking you ... yeah you, the one that is reading this right now ... to say a prayer for him. 

 

Thank you.

 

Me

 

Not Guilty

Casey Anthony's case came to an end today.

 

She was found not guilty.

 

  I understand the verdict because of those three words ... beyond reasonable doubt.

 

 

 

Not guilty does not equal innocent.

 

 

 

 

RIP Caylee Marie

The boys @ the beach

6-24-2011, Cocoa Beach, FL

-*- 2 years -*-

... 6-24-2011 ... that date marked 2 years since mom passed away ...

I have been dealing with a lots of ups and downs lately.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  Ironically how one feels guilty for not blogging.  Weird.

Dad is back with me.  He moved back in January of this year.  It has not been easy.  My garage looks like something from the tv show "Hoarders" ... not a pretty sight.  He has been dealing with bouts of depression, understandably so.  And thankfully, he listened to my advice and went to see a counselor.

My son is doing good - thanks for asking ;-)  He started orthodontic treatment in the month of May and now has upper and lower expander.  I have him in summer camp at the same day care where he used to go when he was a baby.  It is also a big help that it is right across the street from my office.

We have some changes at work and well, when you work for the government, is good that you don't get too attached to sides 'cause you never know who you will be working with in a year or two.  I am a believer that change always brings something good.  So I am looking forward to the changes that are coming.

Like I wrote at the beginning, on Friday June 24th, it was 2 years since mom passed away.  I can say that a day does not go by in which I don't think about her.  Not a day.  I took that day off and went to the beach with my dad and the boys.  My dad went to buy flowers to throw them at sea and well, they were wrongly marked and well, the flowers ended up being free.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And well, the beach is one of my mom's favorite places to be.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The waves were a bit rough but the kids had a ball.

The next day we went to Mass and it would have been one that she would have truly enjoyed, with lively music and all of us there together.  I could just see her dressed up, with all her jewelry and clapping as she sang away.

I will never understand why she was taken away from us while she still had so much to live.  I know that she was in a lot of pain.  And she didn't deserve it.  No one does.

I would like to think that she watches over us and she is in a better place, with those that left before us, without pain, without suffering.

Mom's Orchids